Chemical Imbalance

Jen:

Definition of Chemical imbalance on the Web: 

Generic term for the idea that chemical in the brain are either too scarce or too abundant resulting in or contributing to a mental disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

I’ve done my research on this term and bipolar disorder.  I’ve searched the Internet and read numerous  books.  But,  I still need more information.  I crave it like a kid that had it’s first taste of sugar.  I want more, more  and more. You see my biological mother suffers from bipolar disorder.   I want to  have patience and understanding about the condition she suffers from.  When in reality I am just angry and bitter.    I’m angry that she can’t just be normal and that I feel robbed of experiencing a mother-daughter relationship with her.  I know that I need to work on this.  I’m finally open to discussing this in more detail.   To give a little history on me…My parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.   I was raised by my dad.  My mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized after the divorce.  When she recovered she moved on with her life.  She got remarried and had 2 more daughters.  My mom was in and out of my life over the next few years.  I visited her for a few years than just stopped wanting to go.  The last time I saw her I was 11 years old.  Over the years she made no effort to contact me.  I didn’t hear from her on my b-day or any Holiday’s for that matter.  The next time I saw her I was in my early 20′s b/c I contacted her.   As I grew up I wanted to try to reconnect with her and have some kind of relationship. Now I’m 35 years old and see her maybe every 2 years if I pay for her to come visit me.  It’s still the same song and dance with her.  She always and still plays the blame game…blames my dad for keeping me from her and blames him b/c he was never there for her….blames my step mother for keeping me from her……(not the case at all) blames her second husband…blames her mother & father for all her issues….blames her family. She does not take any responsibility for the decisions she has made in her life.  My childhood memories of her when my parents were together consists of episodes where she would fly off the handle, scream,  throw things, and hit my dad.   I remember not wanting to be around her and always feeling more connected to my dad.   And, I’m thankful for having such a loving and amazing father in my life…. I’m not looking for sympathy by sharing all of this.   My hope is that it by putting this out there it will help people that know someone that suffers from a chemical imbalance or people that suffer from it themselves.   I don’t wallow in self pity….I know that you create your own life.  I have my own family now and get to experience a mother-daughter relationship with my own daughter (I treasure every second of it) Yet, I still have so many questions….What causes a chemical imbalance?  Is it hereditary? Is it caused from the environment you grow up in?  How can I have more patience and understanding with this situation?  I’m also thankful that my best friend is a Therapist and can answer my questions.

Stacy:

Jen.. I’m so proud of you..look at your self awareness!  You are trying to look at this situation with your mom as a rational adult would, but what’s happening to you is that the hurt little girl who didn’t understand that mom was mentally ill creeps into your brain and takes over when your mom acts in a way that is hurtful.  You see as a child you didn’t understand… you needed your mother to be a mother.  She wasn’t capable of that and then you were pretty much abandoned by her at the age of 6.  You had to be angry at her as to not be sad about what you were missing all along.  So now as an adult you want to understand her illness and forgive her behavior…but the little six year takes over and vents her rage because that is her defense mechanism against the pain her illness has caused.

Bipolar Disorder can be genetic.  It is often passed down through generations and is caused by the chemical imbalance you refer to.  It has many different severities and 2 cases with the same diagnosis can appear to be so different.  Generally speaking, Bipolar means the person switches from depressed to manic behavior.  Manic behavior is the behavior that seems so crazy to you.  The impulsive behavior, the delusions of grandior, risk taking, psychotic episodes, rage, stealing, and so on…  It is very difficult to deal with someone close you with this disorder because they seem so irrational much of the time.  They live in their own reality…free from consequence… and it’s frustrating.  Imagine how a little girl interprets a mother who behaves this way?

Sometimes Bipolar Disorder is not inherited.  Sometimes it is actually a defense mechanism created over time due to a history of abuse and dysfuncyion.  People can sometimes have what is called a “manic defense” where they will slip into a manic episode as a defense mechanism against depression.  Regardless of where it comes from, it is what it is. 

 Please give yourself some credit.  Understand what your mother’s illness is about, but also understand the pain of the lost little girl dwelling in your psyche.  Soothe her, comfort her, and tell her all the things that might have made a difference when this was all really happening.  But most important… allow her the feelings she was never really able to have.. validate them.  Don’t feel guilt…none of this is your fault.  You are just a human being having normal human being responses to a situation that is emotionally draining.

You are strong and you will come through this with self awareness and understanding that will help you let go of the pain.