Michael Jackson: Why Am I So Sad?

 

 

It was a beautiful sunny day.  I had just spent hours on the beach with my children and was resting on the bench watching them chase each other around the playground.  My phone began buzzing away in my pocket and I pulled it out to see who it was.  It was a text from my ex-husband,

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, hun, but Michael Jackson  just had a heart attack.  He didn’t make it.”

My heart sank as I stared at the words on the screen.  Like a switch the tears started streaming down my face…  How can this be possible?  He can’t be dead… he’s Michael Jackson…  How can there not be a Michael Jackson?  That’s just absurd!

I was sad… I was angry… I was confused.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am full of compassion and love, so any sad news can easily pull at my heart strings.  But this was different.  It was personal.   The ache in my chest was real and intense, a pain that far exceeded the usual reaction at the news that a celebrity had passed… a simple “awe..that’s sad” and then a movement forward.  This was real… I felt a loss.  So why is the loss of Michael Jackson affecting me…and so many others…on such a powerful level?  What is this overwhelmed sadness and feeling of denial really about?

Let’s just think about the level of fame Michael Jackson had reached.  He was a global icon.  Michael Jackson was extraordinary… and the whole world agreed.  There are those who LOVE him… those who really like him…and those who like him.  But who doesn’t like Michael Jackson?  Who doesn’t appreciate his music or enjoy his talent?  Who doesn’t think Michael Jackson was an extremely talented musician whose contribution to our culture goes unprecedented…only to be compared to the greatness of Elvis Presley.  That’s one thing the world had in common… we all loved Michael Jackson.

Now to get back to understanding the intensity of our sadness…the reason is this:

It’s the memories.  If I were to discuss the details of my childhood…the turning points and memorable moments…I would have to discuss the impact of Michael Jackson in my life.  I was the little third grader running around with the Beat It Jacket and the white glove.  I was Michael Jackson for Halloween.  I was the lunatic crying at the concert because the euphoria of being in the same room with him was too much to handle.  And what was my very first concert by the way?  It was Michael Jackson…the Thriller Tour.  When I was in fourth grade I told my parents that when I grow up I wanna be Michael Jackson’s maid because then I get to be around him. (My parents were so proud…;)  ) Then when I was in fifth grade I decided I just wanted to marry him.    I was the kid who loved Michael Jackson…his number one fan…or at least I believed I was.  For years, my admiration for Michael Jackson and his music defined who I was.  It is an integral piece of my childhood that cannot go without recognition.  It is, and always will be, a part of who I am. 

It goes without saying, that I am one of millions of people who feel that Michael Jackson and his music is also an extension of themselves.  Who doesn’t have at least one amazing memory of their past that involves Michael Jackson?  He was everywhere…and has become a part of us as a society.  So the sadness of his death triggers a personal walk through our own lives…our past…our memories…our old friendships.  I feel sad for the little girl that still dwells within my psyche…the little girl with the Beat It Jacket, Thriller Doll, and white glove.  The little girl watching MTV all day long hoping to see the Thriller video.  And I feel sad for the opportunity lost.  The music he would have written that the world will never hear…and the performances we will never see. 

The one thing that won’t be missed is the infamous Michael Jackson Controversy.  I will only say this…and this is just my opinion… The world needs to stop judging.  Imagine a life where you can’t leave your home, go anywhere, do anything without an entourage of bodyguards and being surrounded by the insanity of crazed fans wanting to get near you.  Imagine not being able to take a walk through the park, go on a family vacation, or even know what it’s like to just go to a store and buy something.  The world would not allow him to live a normal life…so how can we sit in judgement of what he did to cope with that?  He was just a normal person building up his defenses to adjust to the enormity of the fame he had derived.  He was trapped in the name he had made for himself.  He was Michael Jackson… and the world owned him.  He could never just be Michael.  Imagine that.

That being said, I will end this piece with a farewell to Michael Jackson.  The dedication and love his fans have for him will keep him alive in our world.

Sweet Sixteen

Stacy:

I love Facebook. It has undoubtedly become a fountain of youth for all of us 30 something’s.  Although, that certainly depends on how you look at it… Some may say it just makes them feel old and ponder the common thought of… “What the hell happened to me?”  But what I enjoy is the reconnecting.  I have always been a sucker for that.  Finding the long lost friend I stopped talking to a million years ago and catching up on the last 15 years of my existence… to then be left with nothing left to talk about, but that’s okay because there are 300 other people I haven’t spoken to in 15 years I can pretty much cut and paste the same story to!

But I have to admit, I did reconnect with some people and actually rekindled a friendship, and that makes me happy.  You know what else makes me happy?  Old boyfriends on Facebook.  What is more fun than chatting it up with some guy who made out with you and then never called again?  So what…so, I’m 34 now and I should be over it.  I wanna know why…why did you sweet talk me all night long, kiss me, make my heart all a flutter, and then forget I existed?  Was I a bad kisser?  Were you just drunk?  What, damn it?!  I want answers! 

I’m not really getting many concrete answers, which pretty much confirms the theory that teenage boys are all penises and no brain.  All they seem to say is … “Oh yeah…lol….sorry….I was an idiot.”  Well, that I knew!

So I get a friend request from this one guy the other day… we made out when I was 16.  And that pretty much ended our friendship.  When you are 16, once you make out with someone, you either date them or never talk to them again.  We went the never talk again route.  But I love chatting with him like we have been bff forever!  Remember that saying?  I remember writing on my notebooks… Stacy and Jen…BFF Foreva!  Ha!  (It’s actually true so maybe that actually works…lol)

So here I am, chatting away with old friends and old boyfriends on Facebook… and I can’t help but to wonder..”What the HELL was I thinking???”  16 was so simple!  I would freak out because some guy kissed me and didn’t call!  Like my world was crumbling around me!  The biggest dilemma I had to face was what fake illness I could fabricate to get out of work at Cedarhurst Paper because I needed to be in the Homecoming Parade… or which party to go to first…or what alcoholic beverage to sneak into the keg party because I don’t drink beer!  But I was so stressed!  Making mixed tapes of sad songs so I could cry over my camp boyfriend Alex because he lived in New Jersey!  AHHH!  If I could take one day of my life today and share it with my 16 year old self while kicking my youthful ass! 

But those dilemmas were real to me then… as real as my dilemmas are to me now… so I wonder….would I wanna do 16 over again…knowing what I know now?  And what would I do differently….let’s reflect.  Better yet… let’s call Jen and see what she thinks!

Jen: 

I get a call from Stacy and I can hear the excitement in her voice.  She fills me in on her current reflection of when we were Ahhhh…sweet sixteen.  Facebook has also opened the floodgates of memories for me as well.  I moved to Virginia the summer that I was 16.   I’ve been able to reconnect with so many of my old friends from Long Island that I lost touch with over the years.    These old friends played such an important part of my life and were my whole world when I was sixteen.     Stacy is telling me about catching up with old boyfriends on facebook.    I’ve been doing the same thing…why is it so much fun to see the guy that you had the biggest crush on is up too now??  It reminds me of a time when I had no responsibilities, was so carefree and innocent…well maybe not that innocent.    I did really enjoy making out with a lot of different boys.   

Stacy and I try to piece together her sweet sixteen party.  Now I’m an Italian/Cuban raised Catholic and I was the only Christian girl in my whole neighborhood.  The neighborhood I lived in was predominately Jewish.    My sweet sixteen party was held in the basement of my house!  All my Jewish friends had the most elaborate parties held in nightclubs!! Stacy’s was no exception.  Here is what I remember:  We rode a bus to the nightclub.  I had on a leather skirt!  I cried as I danced to “That’s what friends were for” by Dionne Warwick.  I remember hugging all my old friends as we danced b/c in just a few months I was moving to VA and not sure when I would see them again.  I made out with one my best guy friends Manny on the bus.  And didn’t a fight almost break out???

 

Stacy:  YES!!!  There was almost a fight!  I was going out with this guy… let’s leave him nameless….:)  Anyway, I was so excited that my camp boyfriend, Alex, was coming to my sweet sixteen.  He lived in New Jersey, which may as well be China when you are 15 and don’t drive.  And I wanted to dance with him at my sweet 16, but how could I do that if I have a boyfriend?  So, I broke up with the boyfriend so that I could just make Alex step in as the boyfriend for the day because I was OBSESSED with him.  Yes obsessed… with a capital O!  Mixed tapes, daily crying spells, writing poems, a t shirt soaked in his cologne..all the crazy stuff 16 yr olds do when they like a boy.  Well, the original boyfriend didn’t take too kindly to this so after we danced he gave Alex all these mean looks and brushed up against him walking past him a couple times so that he could give him a little shove.  Alex was like, “This guy’s gonna kick my ass!”  And I can admit, at the time I was just like, “Haha..this is funny!”  I guess it just made me feel special…and wanted… which every insecure 16 year old teenage girl craves. 

 

 

(Stacy and Alex dancing to “Inspiration” at the sweet sixteen)

ahhhhh…good times!  Maybe I would do 16 again… but for a limited time only..maybe like a week of it as a vacation option. I have a feeling Jen may argue that I am still that same 16 year old sometimes…or perhaps it’s just me projecting because I still feel her presense.  But let’s save that debate for another post…