September Blues

     I have received many emails over the course of the last few weeks regarding sudden feelings of depression or anxiety for so many mothers since school has started.  I thought it may be helpful to address this issue here for those of you who are experiencing, in one way or another, the “September Blues”.    

     September often brings about feelings of stress, anxiety, or sadness for so many people and it manifests itself in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons.

     As parents,our lives are usually run by our children’s schedule.  And September brings about the structure we crave, yet the pressure and the stress that often accompanies that can be overwhelming.

    For those parents with school aged children, we suddenly have to be up and ready early.  The leisurely sit around in pajamas while we decide what to do on the bright, sunny summer day is over.  We need to be up, dressed, and ready to go bright and early!  Backpacks ready, lunch made, and children dressed appropriately even though the weather appears to be drastically different every day!

     And homework stress begins.  Having to help the kids adjust from the freedom of summer to suddenly having academic responsibilities is quite a challenge.  You may find yourself yelling at the kids more and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with the pressure of the schedule and routine of life.  This often makes us feel inadequate or guilty as we question our ability to handle the challenge we are now faced with.  It is a tough transition.

     For working mothers, this may be an added stressor because after working all day you are coming home to homework, cooking dinner, and getting the kids to bed early to be prepared for the next day.  There may be other challenges as the kids may want to join activities or do things that you are not available to take them to.

     For stay at home mothers, this transition can yield feelings of loneliness, sadness, or anxiety.  When you spend all of your time with your children, being “mom” can so easily become the only thing you identify with.  You are yearning for some free time, but then school starts, you get the free time, and you don’t know what to do with yourself!  You feel a little lost.  This can very commonly cause sadness, or anxiety, especially if this is the first time your child is in school.

     So what is the solution?

•      NORMALIZE ….. Remember  that this is all normal..and common.  What you are feeling is the symptoms of transition. Your schedule and your rapport with your children has just taken a sharp turn at the turn of the calendar.  Within a few weeks, you will generally have adjusted, as well your kids.  Once they get used to the routine, they will be less rebellious of it, thus they will start to make your job as mom, enforcer of the schedule, much easier.
•     COMMUNICATE ….. It is helpful during this time to talk to your children about the transition.  remember that what you are feeling is also what they are feeling.  They are often sad and irritated by the sudden pressure of getting up, dressed, and rushed off to school.  They have less time to play, and are suddenly facing structure and routine all day.  They may act out a bit at first, but this is their way of expressing their frustration.  Help them to verbalize what is going on and perhaps come up with a routine together.  Help them to understand that it is hard to go from the freedom of summer to the structure of school and the adjustment to new teachers, new friends, new academic challenges, and new responsibilities.
•   BE HUMAN ….  Change is hard.  And that is normal.  But we, as humans, adjust to change.  Just know that it will get easier as the routine settles in.  Try and stick with a schedule that is realistic to your family lifestyle.  And acknowledge the challenge before you for what it is.  Remember that you are a mom…not a superhero.  You are trying your best and you are doing a great job. 

A GIFT FROM THE UNIVERSE

 

My daughter and I were sitting in a restaurant the other day enjoying our lunch while giggling and playing around as we usually do.  There was an older gentlemen sitting nearby, probably around 65 years old or so, and glanced at me several times and smiled.

My daughter decided to sit on my lap and finish her lunch at one point.  The man next to us leaned forward and asked,

“Is she in kindergarten?”

“Yes, she is, how did you know?”

“I know it’s still half day kindergarten around here and I heard you say she had to finish eating because it was time for school.  I used to be a teacher around here…retired a few years ago.”

“Oh…yes, I am getting her off to school soon.  She likes kindergarten.”

I glanced at my daughter….

“Right, Lara?  You like Kindergarten?”

Lara put her face down and spied up at me through the corner of one eye.

“Mommy…you are talking to a stranger!”

I giggled, and explained that it was okay because I am a mommy.  And sometimes its okay to just be friendly with a stranger as long as mommy is with her.

So I talked with this gentleman for a while.  He had a very strong message for me…and it was exactly what I needed.   He said,

“Enjoy this time with her.  But do stuff for yourself.  My kids are grown and doing great.  But one moved to California and one to Florida.  And although I’m so proud of them, I am now left to face a life that isn’t really quite for me.  There were so many things I wanted to do.  So many places I wanted to go.  I gave all that up because I lived for my kids.  Now don’t get me wrong, you gotta put those kids first…but I could have done so much more for me.  I think of where I would be now…it makes me sad.  And my kids have their own lives now…which they should…but I am now faced with myself…and not living the life I truly wanted. “

His words ran through me like a bolt of energy.  I had been feeling so down and overwhelmed lately with so much to do, and the reality of being a single mother is sometimes very hard.  It was as if my 65 year old self, the one that would have been, came to me and told me I made all the right choices.  That what I was doing would be a success…that I was changing my life and that I would be okay.  It’s as if the Universe delivered this man to me just to say,

“This is what would have been…you have so much to look forward to…”

I wanted to help this man.  He had no idea what sharing his story did for me.  I told him about my recent separation, my huge career change, my website, and my mission….to try and teach parents to find a healthy balance between nurturing their children and nurturing themselves.  I told him that he still has a life to live and not to live it passively… to live it actively.  That there are still choices to be made…and dreams to fulfill.

“You know what, young lady…you are right.  I could be sitting here 20 years from now wishing I did something about my life before I really got too old!!” 

He giggled and wiped a tear from his eye.

What we had done for each other is priceless.  The Universe brought our paths together to teach us both something so valuable; The enormity of possibilities in the moment.  At this very moment we are living our lives.  We are in control of that.  We are in control of our happiness.

Mommy Guilt

Now I know its okay to do nice things for myself. Logically I know this… we all do…don’t we?  The problem is that sometimes our emotional intelligence does not follow along with what we know logically, intellectually and rationally to be true.  So there I am.  I’m dressed, refreshed, coat on, pocket book and keys in hand, ready to head into the city for a meeting with my peers that will help me to find the resources to launch my new business, inspire, and empower me. These are all good things.   Are they not?  I am recently divorced, recently free of my depression, currently motivated, excited, and thinking positive.  I’m on the right path… and then it happens.  The thing we all dread as parents… the “please don’t leave me!!!” fit.  I stood on my front lawn waving goodbye to my kids (daughter 4, son 7).  Then it happened. My daughter, the drama queen.  “Mommy!  No! Don’t leave me!!!”  She flew across the lawn and dove into my legs as if to save her from drowning.  She gripped into my pants and starred up at me with streams of tears flowing down her little red cheeks.  I try explaining to her that I will only be gone for a few hours.  I’m coming back! I always do!  She won’t hear it. Any ability for rational thought had dismissed itself the second she heard me say “see you later!”  I gaze up at my parents..feeling completely defeated.  I can feel the euphoric feeling I had when I walked out the front door slowly deflating as I stood there consumed by a sea of helplessness. So here lies my conflict… do I stay…simply because my baby girl is crying for me? After all, I’m supermom, and she has to come first.  Or do I acknowledge that sometimes….just sometimes….its okay to think of my needs too.  If I don’t go, I feel angry, sad, and resentful.  I also then miss out on an opportunity that may guide me in a direction of healing, prosperity and success.  I remind myself that taking care of me is inderectly taking care of my children too.  So I pull her little hands off my legs…my heart breaks.  I pass her to my parents who will love and protect her while I’m gone.  I remind myself that within seconds after my departure she will most likely stop crying and play happily.  I will not feel guilty.  The guilt will consume me… it will halt my movement forward as a healthy and happy individual, and that interferes with my role as supermom as well.  So my message of the day… YES! It is ok to do nice things for yourself…and be at peace with that.

Taking Off The Invisible Cape

 

                “Hurry!  He’s getting away! “

                “Don’t worry! I’ll save the day!”

                I giggle to myself as I watch my 7 year old son run in circles on my front lawn.  He is wearing the superman costume I bought him for Halloween two years ago, which is clearly too small.  As he leaps across the grass with his arms extended outward, I watch his red cape flapping in wind.  He is energized by the belief that he can fly.  He will swoop down, grab the evil villain, and save the world all on this sunny afternoon.  When it is time to go in for dinner, he will retire the cape, and be content just being Brandon again.  He knows he can put that cape back on whenever he wants and get lost in the joy of pretending, yet he knows when to take the cape off.  He knows he doesn’t possess the power of a superhero.  He knows there is no such thing.  Sometimes I think he knows more than me….

                So, when is it the right time for me to take my cape off?  You know the cape I’m talking about…. That invisible cape we all put on the second we become parents.  The cape which signifies we know everything and can do everything…. no matter what it is….always.  We believe we are supposed have all the answers.  We should know what to do in every situation.  We should be strong enough to handle everything.  We shouldn’t put our own needs on our priority list…why would we do that?  We have no needs, we are immortal.   We are parents….the superheroes they haven’t made a movie about yet.

                Let’s reflect for a moment on what an entertaining feature film that would make… I can hear the trailer voice over now….

                                “…able to do almost anything with one hand…always has a drink or snack ready to go no matter where they are…has the answer to every question in the Universe(including those found in homework)…knows the exact location of every missing toy…can clean the house ,cook dinner, do the laundry, pay the bills, work,  and still play with the children all at the same exact time…can grow additional arms on demand to hold everyone and everything….and NEVER NEEDS ANY SLEEP!  It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! Its mom and dad!!!”

                Rediculous, isn’t it?  Then why is it that we expect our performance as parents to be flawless? We give the articles in those parenting magazines the power to make us believe we haven’t done something right.   Come on now, who hasn’t read one of those articles at least once and said… “I’m doing it all wrong!!!” 

                I am a mother. I am a social worker.  I am a friend.  I am a daughter. I am a granddaughter.  I am a sister. I am a lover.  I am a writer.  I am a woman.  I am an individual.  I am a human being who wears many hats.  I am Stacy.   

                So here is my advice to you.  TAKE OFF THE INVISIBLE CAPE!!!  You are not immortal. You do not have all the answers.  And that’s okay.   We are all running around like children, pretending to be superheroes that can save the day.  But even our children know better.  They take the cape off and return to reality.  Now we must do the same. 

So, I’m putting on my social worker hat, and I’m going to swoop down and save all the delusional parents meandering around with invisible capes.  But I know I’m not perfect, and I need your help.  Let’s all come together and share our imperfections.  Let’s tell our stories and find ourselves so we can retire the capes and set ourselves free.  Let’s just be people.