Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Jen:

Today is Valentine’s day.  Sure, it’s a total Hallmark Holiday…commercialized by the greeting card Gods.   Do we really need a particular day to express our love for our significant others?  Here is part of the definition on Wikipedia…

Saint) Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14 by many people throughout the world. In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine’s cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The day was originally a pagan festival that was renamed after two Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.

I have to admit…I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day.   I’m not going out to dinner with my husband tonight. We are having some friends over that have kids the same age as mine so they can play and we can hang out with some other adults.   But, on the flip side for me…. It’s something special to have my 4 year old daughter wake me up with a hug and say “Happy Valentine’s Day Mommy, I love you.”   My kids completely crush me.  My hard exterior that I carry around crumbles around them.  It also made me think….Valentine’s Day is not just about you and your significant other.   I called my mom, dad and my best friends to wish them a  Happy Valentine’s Day this morning.   What the hell is going on with me?  The older I get the more of a sap I have become.  And I LIKE IT.

Stacy:

I was very happy to get my Happy Valentine’s day call from jen this morning…:) I decided to do a little survey.  Now I’m completely disorganized and extremely busy, so this survey was not in written format and I certainly wouldn’t be reporting the findings as professionally conducted research  supported by empirical evidence…. HOWEVER…  What I did manage to come up with is this:

Those people I spoke to in happy, secure relationships where love is expressed regularly didn’t seem to care much that Valentine’s Day was coming.  They kind of had a take it or leave it attitude and didn’t have too much planned other than maybe getting their loved ones a card and maybe doing dinner…if that.  some of them even expressed feeling it was silly… and pondered why they had to have a designated day to say “I love you” especially when they feel that love is in their lives everyday.  They mostly described it as “commercial”  and “obligatory”. 

The people I spoke to who are parents, however, felt it was a fun day to do something “mushy” with their kids.  They enjoy getting cards for their kids and cards to be from their kids to their mommy, daddy, or grandparents.  Its a day to teach their children about love and take cute pictures and put them in red outfits and they genuinely enjoy what the card giving/gift giving rituals seem to mean to their kids.  I know for me, it’s so cute to see how excited they are when they come home from school showing me all of the Valentine’s they got from their friends at school. 

And now for group number three.  Yes, I organized the data in my head into three groups.  These are the single people.  I found that Valentine’s Day seems to mean the most to the singles.  It has become a day for them  (relax…I’m not referring to ALL single people so don’t get all bent out of shape if you don’t feel this way…and if this applies to you, then good for you!)  to reflect on the reality that they are “alone” and not too happy about it.  They describe feeling as if the world is mocking their single status by saying “Hey!  Here is a holiday you have no one to celebrate with!”  They focus, and for some even obsess on the mere fact that they don’t have someone to buy the card for…or have the dinner with.  That same element the happily hitched people seem to find silly.  This group has assigned way too much meaning to the day… feeling if they don’t have a date or someone to receive flowers from then they are a failure.

Valentine’s Day should be about love.  It doesn’t have to be a “romantic relationship” that we celebrate on this day.  We can celebrate the love we have for our children our friends, our parents, grandparents, family, coworkers….and even ourselves.  Reflect on ALL of the people in your life you are lucky to have the opportunity to love.  I know who I love.  And I know who loves me.  Even if I don’t get a card or a call or flowers from any of these people, I know they love me..and that is in my heart and in my life everyday.  So let’s try to enjoy Valentine’s Day…but remember it really is just a day.  Let’s not pressure ourselves or measure our success in this life based on who we will be having dinner with tonight. 

If nothing else, it’s a good excuse to eat chocolate.  What’s with that anyway?  Why has giving someone chocolate become the universal symbol of love?  Is that a total commercial/marketing scheme or is there something I don’t know?  I don’t get it.  “Hey, I love you…now eat this chocolate…”    Anyone know?

I Did Not Sign Up For This!!

 

Jen:

This time last year I was getting ready to go to San Diego, CA for a recruiting conference with a co-worker.  I had mixed feelings about my trip.  I was going to be gone for 3 whole nights!!!    The thought of having the bed to my-self, going out to socialize with adults, and actually sleeping in past 6:30am seemed like a dream.   Right after I woke up from this dream reality set in and I began to feel anxious.  I was leaving my husband to take care of my 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son.  Will he remember to make them brush their teeth?  Will he remember to give them their vitamins?  Will he be able to match their clothes? Will he brush my daughters’ hair?  Will he pick them up from daycare on time?  Will he feed them vegetables? Ahhhh the list could go on and on.  I have issues with control…but, we can save that for another day. 

One week before I left for my trip on a Friday night….I remember this so clearly….We were getting ready to take the kids out to dinner and my husband Brian says to me “Ummmm, so we need to go buy a deep freezer tomorrow” I inhale a really deep breath b/c I know that what he is about to say is something that will make my blood pressure rise.   I simply say as I exhale, “Why?” My husband proceeds to tell me, “Well, I bought half a cow and we are going to need a deep freezer to store it”    My head was spinning and it got really hot fast in my kitchen.  Before I could respond he goes on to tell me  what a really good deal he got on the cow and it will save us so much money in the long run.  Then he threw in that it was organic beef b/c he knew that would make me somehow feel a little bit better about all of this.   After a few seconds of silence I ask him, “How many pounds of beef is half a cow’” 400 pounds….let’s say it again…400 pounds!!!  What is a family of four going to do with 400 pounds of beef?  I don’t really even like red meat!!!  (I’m happy to say that now I’m a pesco-vegetarian)  It didn’t matter what I said at this point…it was too late.  He committed to buying half a cow with someone else and he was going to go pick it up while I was gone next week in CA for work.  This was so wrong on so many levels. But at this moment I decided to take my dad’s advice that he gave me the day I got married.  He told me that the key to maintaining a happy marriage is too “Pick and choose your battles.”
I walked away from this battle and we bought a deep freezer the next day.

For some reason I could not process in my head what 400 pounds of beef looked like…until I was out of town on my trip the next week and got a text message from my husband.  It was a picture of the 400 pounds of beef inside my brand spanking new deep freezer. 

I was actually speechless for the first time in my life.  I simply forwarded the picture to Stacy b/c someone else had to share this moment with me.  Then I just waited for her to call.

 

Stacy:

 

So there I am sitting with my kids, dealing with the usual insanity when I get a text message from Jen.  It was a photo.  I stared at it for quite some time and at first wasn’t quite sure what the hell it was.  Could it be?  Did she just send me a picture of a freezer full of meat?  Why?  Why would she do this?  I don’t like meat… especially piles and piles of raw meat sitting in a freezer.  But I knew jen well enough to know that this photo had a story.  So I called….

 

“Ummmmm…. is that meat?”

 

“Not just meat! It’s half a cow!”

 

“Did you say cow?  Shut up!”

 

Now keep in mind, I’m your average Long Island girl…. and the only experience I have ever had with the purchase of meat was watching my mom fill the shopping cart at Shop Rite on meatballs night.  This was amazing to me… I didn’t know opportunities such as purchasing half a cow at discount was an option. 

 

So, I say to Jen, as the laughter erupts wildly and I cackle in her ear, “How ya feelin about this, hun?”

 

I’m not quite sure which was funnier… was it the fact that her husband was so proud of his half a cow purchase even though his family would barely be eating it, coupled with the fact that this meant they had to go out and buy a freezer for it?  Or was it her response?  It was priceless… I laughed so hard, I may have peed a little… This is what she said:

 

“How do you think I’m feeling about this?  I’m a girl from New York City and my diesel truck drivin, bud drinkin, horse shoein redneck husband just bought a cow!  I did not sign up for this!” 

 

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Has your husband ever done this??

Stacy:  So, I’m on the phone with Jen last night and she was feeling quite agitated.  How did I know?  Well she was lying in bed chating with me on the phone about the insanity of her day when her husband came into the room to go to bed.  Jen’s immediate response.. “Ugh… you’re coming to bed?! Really?  .. sigh….   Then he offers to leave her alone because he can tell she is apparantly not thrilled with him at all and she sighs at him again and accepts his offer to leave her alone!  So I simply ask,

“Feeling agitated with him today?” 

“No”  she tells me.

“Really?  No?  Are you sure?”

Clearly this was not the case.

              Jen:   Stacy said “Let’s back up and discuss what your day was like.”   OK…here we go…

My husband just left for work.  I was getting ready to walk out the door and take my kids to daycare so I could get to work.  My two year old son was just standing in the kitchen lunch box in hand.   He started crying and puked all over the kitchen floor.  It was not just a little bit….he unloaded the truck.   I was waiting for his head to start spinning around.   To make it all worse I had just potty trained my son and got him out of diapers.  His sickness was not only coming out of his mouth.  When he pooped his pants and it ran down his leg to the floor it was time to break the diapers out again….no one should have to clean that off the floor.   It was a long day…the puking went on into the late afternoon.  I picked up my daughter came home… made dinner, cleaned up, washed some more towels covered with puke, gave the kids a bath and got them ready for bed.  My husband got home late from work…just in time to read Emma a book at bedtime while I dealt with my son who still had the heresy squirts. 

I was tired.  It was a long day.  I finished the laundry and picked up the kids toys in the den.  I finally made myself a hot cup of tea and sat down on the sofa.  I took a deep breath and a sip of hot tea.  It was time to relax.  I need to decompress and be left alone.  My husband looked at me and said “How about you come over here and give me…(let’s just say that he asked for a sexual favor)” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  How about you come over here and rub my back? AHHHHHHHHH….LOL…I just realized why I’m agitated with my husband.

It totally rocks having a best friend that’s a therapist!!!!!!

Stacy:  So what are we to do with this behavior?  Sometimes husband’s just don’t get it do they? 

Jen says, “Say… uummmm… leave me alone unless you’re planning to give me a massage.”

I say communication is key!  Don’t assume your husband can read your mind.  As much as you may want to smack him over the head with a heavy object, remember that he just has no clue what you are feeling… so tell him!  Tell him you don’t feel well and tell him what you need.  And if he still doesn’t get it… well then refer back to Jen’s line!