Stress and Anxiety…My Unwanted Friends

Jen:

Let’s face it…..the economy is in the toilet right now.  It’s a stressful time for everyone.  One way or another we are all feeling a certain amount of stress and anxiety.   I ‘m currently a recruiter working  for a financial services company that just laid off 1,000 people…400 in the town I live in Richmond, VA.    I was not affected and still have my job.  But, some of my co-workers were not so lucky.  Single mothers, dads with families to take care of, single women living on their own, working mothers…all with bills and mortgages to pay….gone…

A lot of my co-workers have become very good friends of mine.  For some reason I feel guilty about still having my job.  I sit up at night sometimes, my heart races and I can’t sleep.  Then my mind starts racing not only about my current situation at work but, the dishes that need to be done, the laundry that I left in the dryer,  the car that needs the oil changed,  the bills that need to be paid,  my friend that is going through a hard time,  my dsyfuntional extended family, worry about my kids….my mind won’t shut down.  I’ve somehow triggered them again and they are back.  My unwanted friends….stress and anxiety…creeping back into my life…knocking on my door again.  It’s been a long time since they have been here.   I’ve worked hard keep them out of my life.  I try taking deep breaths to turn my mind off and kick stress and anxiety out of my room.  When that does not work I look at the clock.  If it’s not past midnight I know that Stacy is still up.  My best friend is a therapist she will know how to get stress and anxiety out of my room at least for tonight.

Stacy:

Ok Jen, my little control freak, self sabotaging friend.  I will lay it out for you.  Let’s start with the first thing you wrote about.  You are feeling GUILTY about the situation at work where coworkers are being laid off.  Yes, it is sad.  Yes, it is normal to feel sad for all of those people who lost their jobs.  But you would not be human if there were not a part of you that thought, “Thank God it wasn’t me…I still have my job.”  The problem, however, triggered by this very thought is the simple fact that you are a really good person.  So, you then feel guilty that you have these thoughts of “luck” or “relief” and what you then experience is what is called survivors guilt.  It’s a terrible feeling…I lived with it my whole life and I’ve sabotaged myself countless times because of it.  At this point I know you are thinking, so what the hell does that have to do with me sabotaging myself…. ok, so here is the deal….

The second thing you mentioned was the fact that your mind starts racing and you start worrying about all of the things you haven’t finished…all at once…as if to ambush yourself.  What’s happening to you needs to be looked at in two steps:

Step One:  You want to distract your mind from the thoughts about work because its a situation that you can’t control.  You don’t like that you can’t control it (because you’re a little bit of a control freak     )  So you start to think about the things in your life you can control… laundry, dishes, bills…all things you can do.

Step Two:  You pile on thoughts of things that make you feel like a failure.  I never did this, I have to do that…all things that make you feel stress.  You are inflicting yourself with thoughts that cause you emotional discomfort because your goal (subconsciously) is to punish yourself.  You have guilt because you are in a better place than your coworkers so you obsolve yourself of your guilt by drowning yourself in a sea of stress and misery by focusing on the things in your life that aren’t going right.  Now you have placed yourself in the misery boat with your unemployed coworkers and no longer feel the guilt that was tormenting you…at least for the moment.  However, now you are miserable and feeling anxious…and this is what your mind had set out to achieve.

So, how do we fix this?  Jen…. YOU have no control over the economy.  The state of financial crisis we are in was not caused by YOU!   The lay offs are upsetting and a concern to us all, but remove the personal blame you are placing on yourself.  Accept that this is a situation you cannot and do not control.  Accept that you feel sad for your coworkers because you care about them and what is happening to them is terrible.  And accept that you feel lucky to still have your job.  If you were laid off as well, that would not help all of the people who lost their jobs.  Its okay to feel lucky right now.. you do have a family to take care of and you need your income rigt now.  Separate feeling sad for your coworkers and feeling happy for yourself.  You aren’t hurting anyone by feeling relieved to still have your job.  All it means is that you are human.  Allow yourself to be human and relax!