Chemical Imbalance

Jen:

Definition of Chemical imbalance on the Web: 

Generic term for the idea that chemical in the brain are either too scarce or too abundant resulting in or contributing to a mental disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

I’ve done my research on this term and bipolar disorder.  I’ve searched the Internet and read numerous  books.  But,  I still need more information.  I crave it like a kid that had it’s first taste of sugar.  I want more, more  and more. You see my biological mother suffers from bipolar disorder.   I want to  have patience and understanding about the condition she suffers from.  When in reality I am just angry and bitter.    I’m angry that she can’t just be normal and that I feel robbed of experiencing a mother-daughter relationship with her.  I know that I need to work on this.  I’m finally open to discussing this in more detail.   To give a little history on me…My parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.   I was raised by my dad.  My mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized after the divorce.  When she recovered she moved on with her life.  She got remarried and had 2 more daughters.  My mom was in and out of my life over the next few years.  I visited her for a few years than just stopped wanting to go.  The last time I saw her I was 11 years old.  Over the years she made no effort to contact me.  I didn’t hear from her on my b-day or any Holiday’s for that matter.  The next time I saw her I was in my early 20’s b/c I contacted her.   As I grew up I wanted to try to reconnect with her and have some kind of relationship. Now I’m 35 years old and see her maybe every 2 years if I pay for her to come visit me.  It’s still the same song and dance with her.  She always and still plays the blame game…blames my dad for keeping me from her and blames him b/c he was never there for her….blames my step mother for keeping me from her……(not the case at all) blames her second husband…blames her mother & father for all her issues….blames her family. She does not take any responsibility for the decisions she has made in her life.  My childhood memories of her when my parents were together consists of episodes where she would fly off the handle, scream,  throw things, and hit my dad.   I remember not wanting to be around her and always feeling more connected to my dad.   And, I’m thankful for having such a loving and amazing father in my life…. I’m not looking for sympathy by sharing all of this.   My hope is that it by putting this out there it will help people that know someone that suffers from a chemical imbalance or people that suffer from it themselves.   I don’t wallow in self pity….I know that you create your own life.  I have my own family now and get to experience a mother-daughter relationship with my own daughter (I treasure every second of it) Yet, I still have so many questions….What causes a chemical imbalance?  Is it hereditary? Is it caused from the environment you grow up in?  How can I have more patience and understanding with this situation?  I’m also thankful that my best friend is a Therapist and can answer my questions.

Stacy:

Jen.. I’m so proud of you..look at your self awareness!  You are trying to look at this situation with your mom as a rational adult would, but what’s happening to you is that the hurt little girl who didn’t understand that mom was mentally ill creeps into your brain and takes over when your mom acts in a way that is hurtful.  You see as a child you didn’t understand… you needed your mother to be a mother.  She wasn’t capable of that and then you were pretty much abandoned by her at the age of 6.  You had to be angry at her as to not be sad about what you were missing all along.  So now as an adult you want to understand her illness and forgive her behavior…but the little six year takes over and vents her rage because that is her defense mechanism against the pain her illness has caused.

Bipolar Disorder can be genetic.  It is often passed down through generations and is caused by the chemical imbalance you refer to.  It has many different severities and 2 cases with the same diagnosis can appear to be so different.  Generally speaking, Bipolar means the person switches from depressed to manic behavior.  Manic behavior is the behavior that seems so crazy to you.  The impulsive behavior, the delusions of grandior, risk taking, psychotic episodes, rage, stealing, and so on…  It is very difficult to deal with someone close you with this disorder because they seem so irrational much of the time.  They live in their own reality…free from consequence… and it’s frustrating.  Imagine how a little girl interprets a mother who behaves this way?

Sometimes Bipolar Disorder is not inherited.  Sometimes it is actually a defense mechanism created over time due to a history of abuse and dysfuncyion.  People can sometimes have what is called a “manic defense” where they will slip into a manic episode as a defense mechanism against depression.  Regardless of where it comes from, it is what it is. 

 Please give yourself some credit.  Understand what your mother’s illness is about, but also understand the pain of the lost little girl dwelling in your psyche.  Soothe her, comfort her, and tell her all the things that might have made a difference when this was all really happening.  But most important… allow her the feelings she was never really able to have.. validate them.  Don’t feel guilt…none of this is your fault.  You are just a human being having normal human being responses to a situation that is emotionally draining.

You are strong and you will come through this with self awareness and understanding that will help you let go of the pain.

Granny’s Got Sticky Fingers

Jen:

This week has been a long exhausting week for me.  My mother who lives in Buffalo, NY has been staying with me since Sunday.  I’ve been debating on whether or not I should blog about any of this.   But, maybe I’m not alone and other people have a parent that is mentally ill.   It’s become apparent to me just how worse she has become.  I took her to my daughter’s gymnastics class the other night.  My son plays in the waiting area which is filled with toys and books.  My mother was sitting with my son and reading him books.  He was loving every second of it and belly laughing….it was really cute.  We left gymnastics and were about to pull out of the parking lot when my mother turns to my son and says look what Granny has for you… It was the books she was reading to him inside of gymnastics.   I asked her if she took the books.  She said…yes… ..then said to me….haven’t you ever stole something before?….ummmm….yes…when I was 8….a pack of gum from the candy store and I got in caught and it taught me a lesson….your a 58 year old woman!…..this is totally unacceptable.   Before I proceeded to lecture her like she was a child I turned the DVD player on in the car so my kids would focus on the TV and not what I was about to say to my mother…..first of all this is not the kind of example that I want for my kids…to show them it’s OK to take things that don’t belong to them.  Second..I come here every week with my kids…My kids enjoy coming here….why would you try to infringe on that?  I asked her to bring the books back inside.  She told me No…the books were special to her b/c she read them to my son and he enjoyed them…someday when I’m a grandma I would understand.  I told her if she didn’t bring the books back in right now I would change her plane ticket and send her back to Buffalo the next day.  She got out of the car and brought the books back into gymnastics.   My parents divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mother had a nervous breakdown and went into a hospital for over a month. My father got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.  Over the next few years she was in and out of my life.  I was too young to understand mental illness, but I understood that something was not right with my mother.  Eventually she remarried and had 2 more daughters.  After awhile I did not want to go visit her anymore.  Her mood swings were too much to handle….major crying spells…followed by a deep depression…she would just want to sleep…then the next day..she would be bouncing off the walls.   I’m just touching on this subject…It’s very personal….you see… my mother is bi-polar and has manic mood swings.  The last time she was here visiting was 2 years ago..my kids don’t really know her and don’t understand what is going on.  I know I can’t shield them forever but, how do you explain it to them?  I struggle with my relationship with her….it’s my mom…But, I can only take her in small doses…then I feel guilty…How do you handle a parent that is mentally ill?

 

Stacy:

 

Hun, the one thing I always tell you is to accept the way you feel, validate it, and allow it.  The way you feel about her and the distance you keep from her is normal and a direct reaction to her behavior.  You learned when you were small to shield yourself from her in order to protect yourself from what would have been to confusing and painful as a child.  It continues to be painful as an adult, but you have a right to how you feel.  You never really got to experience a fundamental mother/daughter relationship with her because of her illness and her illness is not controlled.  You don’t really know the real her..only her illness.  It isn’t your mother that you are rejecting…just the symptoms of what she has.  Her manic, and juvenile behavior triggers alot of negative feelings for you which is completely understandable.  You wouldn’t be a normal person if you did not feel this way.  So..that being said…. #1..GET RID OF THE GUILT!  It is not your fault you feel this way about her… you are simply protecting yourself.  And that’s normal, understandable, and okay!  #2… Try and accept in your mind that your mother does have this illness…don’t expect her to have the same social skills and coping mechanisms you have..because she doesn’t. Expect her to be who she is and you will find yourself  less frustrated and dissappointed when you do see her.  #3…as your children get older, when they do see her it is okay to explain to them that sometimes she does things that are innappropriate…and it doesn’t make it right, but that’s just the way she is. 

Jen…don’t take her behavior personally…don’t feel guilty…and don’t expect more than she is capable of.  Seeing her every two years in small doses is okay if that’s all you want to give.  Forgive yourself and validate that you are just a normal person reacting the way any normal person would in your shoes.  But remember sometimes when we expect less of someone in this type of situation we actually get more out of that.  Release the guilt!  You are human my friend!

Is it OK to quit?

Jen:

Every Saturday since September of last year my 4 year old daughter was taking  ballet/tap class.  The ballet studio she went to follows the school season.  In June they are going to have a cute recital in which the girls will dress up in a bumble bee costume .   Well, all the other little girls will be dancing and tapping their little hearts out…except for my daughter.  I let her quit her ballet/tap class.  I let my 4 year old make her first real decision that didn’t have to do with who she would invite over for a play-date or what outfit she should wear.  I’ve have always wanted my kids to be involved in sports….To make being physically active an every day activity that would come natural to them like waking up and brushing their teeth.  I believe it’s so important to teach kids the importance of being physically active to their health and well-being.   Did I mention that my daughter also takes gymnastics every Tuesday night and has been for almost 2 years?  And let’s not forget about soccer.  She started that at the YMCA when she was 3.   Now she belongs to an association in VA.  She started last year in the fall and just started back up this spring.   About 4 weeks ago my daughter started throwing fits about going to ballet class.  She kept telling me that she did not want to go.  I would make her go and after the class she seemed to have enjoyed it.   Sometimes she would throw fits about going to school but, don’t all kids?  I figured this was a one time deal.  Same thing the next weekend.  My daughter kept saying she did not want to go.  I sat her down and we talked about it.  I asked her why she did not want to go to ballet class anymore.  My daughter said that she did not like taking ballet.   She told me that she only liked soccer and gymnastics.    I asked her if she wanted to stop going to class.  She said Yes.  OK….we won’t go to ballet class anymore.  She looked at me and said Thank you Mommy. (she has such good manners. I’m so proud)  I guess I figured that I would expose my kids to different types of physical activity then let them decide what they enjoyed doing and what they did not enjoy doing. And my daughter did just that. Did I make the right choice?    Or is this situation showing my child that it’s OK to quit?  Or…. am I over analyzing another situation?

 

Stacy:

It is okay to let her quit because its not an issue of her not wanting to do anything.  She is clearly involved in other things and totally enjoys them.. So she is obviously well aware of what she likes and doesn’t like and she is entitled to that.  As long as she is following through on the things she likes in a healthy way then you have nothing to worry about.  You are overanalyzing as usual my friend!  🙂

I’ve Retired My High Heals

Jen:

A week ago today I had foot surgery on my left foot.  I’m finally coming out of my pain pill haze and able to put sentences together.   I’m completely flat footed.  I have no arch in my feet whatsoever.   For years my motto has been fashion over comfort!  I would kick my slutty platforms or high heals all over this town in my 20’s….NO MORE.  I’ve finally embraced my flats and have retired my high heals.  Any heal that is in my closet higher than 2 inches are being passed down to my BF Jennifer that wears the same size shoe as me.   Back in November of last year I began having knee pain.  I went to an orthopedic specialist….they took x-rays and I had an MRI done on my knee…nothing wrong.  A few weeks ago the pain starting shooting down to my left ankle and foot.   I began wanting to stand kind of sideways b/c that is what felt comfortable to me. I can’t ignore what is going on with my foot anymore.   I knew that my big toe on my left foot was not straight anymore….I knew that b/c my left big toe was not straight anymore it caused the bone on top of my foot to protrude….I knew that it was my left foot all along…I knew it….I just kept going…thinking it would go away.   So, 2 weeks ago I finally went to the Podiatrist.  He told me that I needed surgery ASAP.  He would have to break my big toe…re-set it….screw 3 pins in it to make it straight and shave the bone on top of my big toe down.  Then he told me after this was all over with I would need to get inserts specially made to wear in my shoes to give me an arch.   I’m on crutches right now.  I can’t put any pressure on my foot for at least another week.  Then I’ll be in a “boot”  for 6 weeks after that.   The pain has been pretty unbearable.   The next day after the surgery was hell.  I don’t enjoy taking pain pills…but, I’ve been popping them like candy over this past week.   I can admit without a dobut that I’m a control freak and right now I have no control over my life.   I can’t drive, take my kids to daycare, pick them up, sweep the floor, do the dishes, give the kids a bath, clean the table, do the laundry, clean my house,  cook dinner, or go to the grocery store.  Almost sounds like being on vacation.  But, not for this control freak.  My husband is running the show….doing his normal duties and mine.  I don’t like it….I hate feeling helpless.  His defintion and my defintion of clean mean totally different things.  I’m supposed to sit on my ass, keep my foot evleated and have a bag of ice on top of it as often as I can.   Thank goodeness I work from home b/c I could not even imagine trying to get ready and hobble into the office.  This morning I was going to the bathroon and I slipped on the bathroom floor.  I fell straight down and landed on my foot.  All I could do was cry and oddly enough laugh.  It’s been a long exhausting week.  I know I will get through all of this…. But, what is a control freak like me supposed to do right now?

 

Stacy:

Jen….STOP BEING A CONTROL FREAK!  Why not go back to that glorious statement you made… that momentary thought you had…”Sounds like being on vacation.”  That’s right.. you are on vacation.  Let your husband do these chores and let him do them HIS WAY!  Nothing will happen if he bathes the kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner, and straightens up the house Brian style.  Actually… something amazing may come of this.  Besides the fact that your foot will be fixed and you will no longer be in pain, perhaps your husband will have a new perspective and appreciation for who you are and what you do everyday.  And perhaps he will learn a few things that may make him more involved in these things from now on….maybe he will even start picking those damn pants up off the floor every once in a while.  Remember that everything doesn’t have to be perfect, that there is no such thing as perfect and that it will all be ok…. 🙂

Kids Are Home For The Week…AGAIN!

Stacy:

Is it just me,or does it feel as though schools are closed every other week?  The kids were just home for Christmas break like five minutes ago!  AHHHH!!!  And thus begins yet another cycle of joy and pain.  Come on moms, you know what I’m talking about.  There is this initial reaction of relief… a week off from getting up super early, rushing kids off to school, homework, the rigid schedule.  It’s a little more laid back and relaxed.  You get some quality time with your kiddies.  And then the harsh reality sets in….a whole week to entertain the children without a break.  OMG… what am I going to do with them all week?  This horrifying thought is then followed by that reliable friend us moms all know so well……GUILT.  We then feel guilty for the overwhelmed feeling we have about having the kids home all week. 

Am I a bad mom because I know by day 2 I’m going to revisit that fantasy about running away? Am I a bad mom because I secretly wish the kids never had a whole week off?  I think 2 days of non-stop action with the kids is enough.  Then I also have the conflict of having to take off from work because they are home.  I can’t really afford to take off from work and this prompts me to want to pick a fight with my ex about the fact that  his week is unaffected by the school vacation.  He will contuniue to get up and go to work and do his thing without being affected at all.  All while not paying child support.  These vacations create a huge conflict for working moms as not everyone has someone to watch the kids when they close.  Then what?  Then we are forced to juggle things…to figure it all out… as superheroes do.  But once again we are then left with the guilt we feel about the frustration in our minds because we have been backed against a wall.

So here is a my advice.  Call it an emotional survival guide for the week:

• The number one most important thing is to REMOVE THE GUILT!  You are human.  What is so important to relaize is that how your children, or your situation with the children makes you feel is NOT a reflection of how you feel about your children.  Did you all follow that?  In simple terms… just because your kids may drive you crazy and you want a break, or your frustrated because now all of your weekly activities, such as work, etc are disrupted doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.  It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy your children.  It just means you are human.
• Plan activities. Have at least one thing planned everyday.  If you have friends to get together with that’s always helpful.  Nothing beats the support and understanding of another mother going through the same emotional roller coaster you are experiencing this week.  And don’t be afraid to confide in a friend.  Your “mommy friends” will be relieved to know that they are not alone in their thoughts.
• Validate how you are feeling and know that it is normal.  You love your kids, but being a mom is hard work.  It is a very demanding, full time job…on top of all of the other responsibilities you have.  Acknowledge that. 
• Try and schedule a little break for yourself.  Perhaps the kids can go on a playdate?  Perhaps you can have someone watch your kids and have an evening out…with the husband…with a friend.  Allow yourself that simple pleasure if possible.  It’s okay.
• Try and enjoy the moment… at least once a day.  Have just one moment where you think about nothing else but the joy of having this time with your children.  Do something with them…at least one thing and don’t think about anything else while doing it…just be with your children and feel the love.

Now as I write this post, my son is running in circles smacking himself on the butt….while singing .. “I’m smacking my butt…I’m smacking my butt..”  and my daughter is whining at me because she has to go to the bathroom.  Why do I have to go with her to the bathroom?  Good times.

Don’t worry moms!  We’ll get through the week!  Next Monday will come…and we have at least a few weeks before we are doing this all over again for Spring Recess…..:)

What Groundhog Day means to me…

 

Jen:

 

Today is a special day to me.  It’s my Grandma Emma’s Birthday.

She would have been 94 today.  I think about her almost every day. 

Grandma Emma was an amazing woman.   She lived in the United States for over 50 years and never spoke English.  Grandma was from Italy and came to the US on a boat after World War II was over.  My Grandpa, Ernesto was born in the US and moved with his family to Italy when he was 3 years old.  He was drafted into the Italian army to fight during WWII.   When they realized he was a US citizen he was drafted back to the US to fight for the US army.   My Grandma was left behind in Italy with my Aunt Elisa.   It took over 9 years before my Grandma and Aunt made it to the US to be reunited with my Grandpa.   I used to read history books about people that migrated to the US on a boat straight into Ellis Island.  I was in awe that my Grandma and Aunt were a part of that time in US history.   

My dad was born in Corona Queens, NY. That is were his family settled.  When my parents got married we lived in a one bedroom apartment above my grandparents.

My Grandma watched me every day until I went to school.   She was a devout Catholic, typical Italian woman that could make homemade Gnocchi that would make you want to slap your mother.   We had a very special bond and somehow always understood each other even though I never spoke Italian and she never spoke English. 

To give you an example of what kind of person she was…..Grandma passed away from a blood infection she caught in the hospital while there struggling with pneumonia.  It was Feb. 26^th, 1999.  My birthday is 3/5.  I’m telling you this b/c the day of her funeral my birthday was just in a few days.  My Aunt pulls me aside and hands me a Birthday Card.  She tells me that it’s from my Grandma.  I open it with tears welling up in my eyes.  It’s a card with 50 dollars.  My Grandma was on her death bed and told my Aunt to be sure to give me a card for my Birthday with the money.  I still have that card and will cherish it forever.

 Now stay with me….

Almost 6 years ago I became pregnant with my first child.  2 days before my fist ultra sound me and my best friend Jennifer went to Brook Stone at the mall.  We walked around and looked at the entire store.  That place is full of so many useless gadgets.  I was stuck on the garden area b/c I wanted to get this garden stone…I didn’t get it and left…2 days later I’m at my first ultra sound with my Mom.  I was supposed to be 8 weeks long…but, the baby was measuring 5 weeks along.  I was positive that I knew when I conceived!! How could I only be 5 weeks??  For what ever reason the ultra sound technician decided to tell me to be prepared that if I’m positive as to when I conceived….that I might have a miscarriage.  My heart sank….the tears followed…I calmed down and my mom wanted to cheer me up.  She took me back to Brook Stone so I could get that garden stone.  I was standing in the middle of the store and burst into tears…I did not care who was watching or even tried to stop them from flowing down my cheeks. I just walked over to the garden area where I was 2 days earlier with Jennifer…I went to go pick up the garden stone that I wanted when I noticed the sample garden stone right next to it.  I remember thinking how strange b/c that garden sample was not there 2 days ago… I bent down and picked it up… It had a little girls handprint set in stone with the name Emma across the top…My tears stopped….a feeling of total peace came over me…I took a deep breath and just knew in my heart that everything is going to be just fine…I’m going to have a little girl and I’m going to name her after my Grandma Emma.

My daughter Emma was born 9 months later.

Do I believe in a higher power? YES.   I’m so blessed to have my daughter Emma in my life.  She makes me a better person.  When Emma is a little older I’ll tell her all about her namesake….

 

Happy Birthday Grandma! I miss you.

Has your husband ever done this??

Stacy:  So, I’m on the phone with Jen last night and she was feeling quite agitated.  How did I know?  Well she was lying in bed chating with me on the phone about the insanity of her day when her husband came into the room to go to bed.  Jen’s immediate response.. “Ugh… you’re coming to bed?! Really?  .. sigh….   Then he offers to leave her alone because he can tell she is apparantly not thrilled with him at all and she sighs at him again and accepts his offer to leave her alone!  So I simply ask,

“Feeling agitated with him today?” 

“No”  she tells me.

“Really?  No?  Are you sure?”

Clearly this was not the case.

              Jen:   Stacy said “Let’s back up and discuss what your day was like.”   OK…here we go…

My husband just left for work.  I was getting ready to walk out the door and take my kids to daycare so I could get to work.  My two year old son was just standing in the kitchen lunch box in hand.   He started crying and puked all over the kitchen floor.  It was not just a little bit….he unloaded the truck.   I was waiting for his head to start spinning around.   To make it all worse I had just potty trained my son and got him out of diapers.  His sickness was not only coming out of his mouth.  When he pooped his pants and it ran down his leg to the floor it was time to break the diapers out again….no one should have to clean that off the floor.   It was a long day…the puking went on into the late afternoon.  I picked up my daughter came home… made dinner, cleaned up, washed some more towels covered with puke, gave the kids a bath and got them ready for bed.  My husband got home late from work…just in time to read Emma a book at bedtime while I dealt with my son who still had the heresy squirts. 

I was tired.  It was a long day.  I finished the laundry and picked up the kids toys in the den.  I finally made myself a hot cup of tea and sat down on the sofa.  I took a deep breath and a sip of hot tea.  It was time to relax.  I need to decompress and be left alone.  My husband looked at me and said “How about you come over here and give me…(let’s just say that he asked for a sexual favor)” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  How about you come over here and rub my back? AHHHHHHHHH….LOL…I just realized why I’m agitated with my husband.

It totally rocks having a best friend that’s a therapist!!!!!!

Stacy:  So what are we to do with this behavior?  Sometimes husband’s just don’t get it do they? 

Jen says, “Say… uummmm… leave me alone unless you’re planning to give me a massage.”

I say communication is key!  Don’t assume your husband can read your mind.  As much as you may want to smack him over the head with a heavy object, remember that he just has no clue what you are feeling… so tell him!  Tell him you don’t feel well and tell him what you need.  And if he still doesn’t get it… well then refer back to Jen’s line!