Chemical Imbalance

Jen:

Definition of Chemical imbalance on the Web: 

Generic term for the idea that chemical in the brain are either too scarce or too abundant resulting in or contributing to a mental disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

I’ve done my research on this term and bipolar disorder.  I’ve searched the Internet and read numerous  books.  But,  I still need more information.  I crave it like a kid that had it’s first taste of sugar.  I want more, more  and more. You see my biological mother suffers from bipolar disorder.   I want to  have patience and understanding about the condition she suffers from.  When in reality I am just angry and bitter.    I’m angry that she can’t just be normal and that I feel robbed of experiencing a mother-daughter relationship with her.  I know that I need to work on this.  I’m finally open to discussing this in more detail.   To give a little history on me…My parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.   I was raised by my dad.  My mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized after the divorce.  When she recovered she moved on with her life.  She got remarried and had 2 more daughters.  My mom was in and out of my life over the next few years.  I visited her for a few years than just stopped wanting to go.  The last time I saw her I was 11 years old.  Over the years she made no effort to contact me.  I didn’t hear from her on my b-day or any Holiday’s for that matter.  The next time I saw her I was in my early 20’s b/c I contacted her.   As I grew up I wanted to try to reconnect with her and have some kind of relationship. Now I’m 35 years old and see her maybe every 2 years if I pay for her to come visit me.  It’s still the same song and dance with her.  She always and still plays the blame game…blames my dad for keeping me from her and blames him b/c he was never there for her….blames my step mother for keeping me from her……(not the case at all) blames her second husband…blames her mother & father for all her issues….blames her family. She does not take any responsibility for the decisions she has made in her life.  My childhood memories of her when my parents were together consists of episodes where she would fly off the handle, scream,  throw things, and hit my dad.   I remember not wanting to be around her and always feeling more connected to my dad.   And, I’m thankful for having such a loving and amazing father in my life…. I’m not looking for sympathy by sharing all of this.   My hope is that it by putting this out there it will help people that know someone that suffers from a chemical imbalance or people that suffer from it themselves.   I don’t wallow in self pity….I know that you create your own life.  I have my own family now and get to experience a mother-daughter relationship with my own daughter (I treasure every second of it) Yet, I still have so many questions….What causes a chemical imbalance?  Is it hereditary? Is it caused from the environment you grow up in?  How can I have more patience and understanding with this situation?  I’m also thankful that my best friend is a Therapist and can answer my questions.

Stacy:

Jen.. I’m so proud of you..look at your self awareness!  You are trying to look at this situation with your mom as a rational adult would, but what’s happening to you is that the hurt little girl who didn’t understand that mom was mentally ill creeps into your brain and takes over when your mom acts in a way that is hurtful.  You see as a child you didn’t understand… you needed your mother to be a mother.  She wasn’t capable of that and then you were pretty much abandoned by her at the age of 6.  You had to be angry at her as to not be sad about what you were missing all along.  So now as an adult you want to understand her illness and forgive her behavior…but the little six year takes over and vents her rage because that is her defense mechanism against the pain her illness has caused.

Bipolar Disorder can be genetic.  It is often passed down through generations and is caused by the chemical imbalance you refer to.  It has many different severities and 2 cases with the same diagnosis can appear to be so different.  Generally speaking, Bipolar means the person switches from depressed to manic behavior.  Manic behavior is the behavior that seems so crazy to you.  The impulsive behavior, the delusions of grandior, risk taking, psychotic episodes, rage, stealing, and so on…  It is very difficult to deal with someone close you with this disorder because they seem so irrational much of the time.  They live in their own reality…free from consequence… and it’s frustrating.  Imagine how a little girl interprets a mother who behaves this way?

Sometimes Bipolar Disorder is not inherited.  Sometimes it is actually a defense mechanism created over time due to a history of abuse and dysfuncyion.  People can sometimes have what is called a “manic defense” where they will slip into a manic episode as a defense mechanism against depression.  Regardless of where it comes from, it is what it is. 

 Please give yourself some credit.  Understand what your mother’s illness is about, but also understand the pain of the lost little girl dwelling in your psyche.  Soothe her, comfort her, and tell her all the things that might have made a difference when this was all really happening.  But most important… allow her the feelings she was never really able to have.. validate them.  Don’t feel guilt…none of this is your fault.  You are just a human being having normal human being responses to a situation that is emotionally draining.

You are strong and you will come through this with self awareness and understanding that will help you let go of the pain.

Hanging it out in the wind

Jen:

We seemed to have skipped Spring and went right to summer.  It was 94 degrees in VA today.  In other words it was hot as hell.   My kids enjoyed a weekend of fun outdoors.    I’m so tired as I sit here and write this blog post.  I’m ready to go to bed but, had to share this….  My husband has taught my 3 year old son that’s it’s OK to pee outside.  I’m on the fence with this one.  We do live in a neighborhood where our house sits on 3 acres.   If he pees outside in the backyard  nobody can see him.  I’ve walked in the back yard on more than once occasion and saw my son standing by a tree hanging it out in the wind.    Of course I can over analyze any situation and this one is no exception.  What if he is playing outside at his daycare and pees outside? What if we are on a play date and he drops his pants and hangs it out at his little friends house?  Is he old enough to understand that he can only pee in the woods or in the backyard of our house?  I tried talking to him about it and he seems to understand…but, he is 3!  I tell him not to throw a ball in the house and he hums it across the room!  My husband tells me it’s every man’s god given right to pee outside.  Really?  That’s news to me.   So, yesterday afternoon I was inside making lunch for the kids….the kids were outside playing while dad was trying to clean up the garage.   I came out to get the kids and my daughter was riding her bike.   My husband said that our son was out back peeing.   I went in the backyard and could not find him.  I called for him…no answer…As I walked towards the front of the house I saw a car slowing down in front of our house…..then another car…..I looked in front of the house…and saw my son.  He was squatting on the front lawn…he was not standing next to a tree peeing….He was doing #2.   I analyzed this whole peeing outside and thought of every situation that could come of this…..ha ha ha ha ha ha….I didn’t see this one coming….

 

Stacy:

Hahahahahahahaha…… well, if nothing else it makes for a great story you can share with his girlfriends 12-15 years from now… 🙂   But you are totally right in everything you are saying.  He is too young to understand that it’s only okay here or there, but not there…or there… it’s a concept his little brain isn’t quite developed enough for.  At his age, things are still somewhat black and white.  In his mind if going to the bathroom outside is okay then it’s okay.  He hasn’t even been potty trained that long and he is already being taught potty alternatives.  You can’t really expect him to get the difference…it’s way too abstract a concept.  You gotta just tell your Husband that until he is old enough to use proper judgement he needs to be taught that bathroom activities need to be done in the bathroom…. poor kid must be so confused!   🙂

Granny’s Got Sticky Fingers

Jen:

This week has been a long exhausting week for me.  My mother who lives in Buffalo, NY has been staying with me since Sunday.  I’ve been debating on whether or not I should blog about any of this.   But, maybe I’m not alone and other people have a parent that is mentally ill.   It’s become apparent to me just how worse she has become.  I took her to my daughter’s gymnastics class the other night.  My son plays in the waiting area which is filled with toys and books.  My mother was sitting with my son and reading him books.  He was loving every second of it and belly laughing….it was really cute.  We left gymnastics and were about to pull out of the parking lot when my mother turns to my son and says look what Granny has for you… It was the books she was reading to him inside of gymnastics.   I asked her if she took the books.  She said…yes… ..then said to me….haven’t you ever stole something before?….ummmm….yes…when I was 8….a pack of gum from the candy store and I got in caught and it taught me a lesson….your a 58 year old woman!…..this is totally unacceptable.   Before I proceeded to lecture her like she was a child I turned the DVD player on in the car so my kids would focus on the TV and not what I was about to say to my mother…..first of all this is not the kind of example that I want for my kids…to show them it’s OK to take things that don’t belong to them.  Second..I come here every week with my kids…My kids enjoy coming here….why would you try to infringe on that?  I asked her to bring the books back inside.  She told me No…the books were special to her b/c she read them to my son and he enjoyed them…someday when I’m a grandma I would understand.  I told her if she didn’t bring the books back in right now I would change her plane ticket and send her back to Buffalo the next day.  She got out of the car and brought the books back into gymnastics.   My parents divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mother had a nervous breakdown and went into a hospital for over a month. My father got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.  Over the next few years she was in and out of my life.  I was too young to understand mental illness, but I understood that something was not right with my mother.  Eventually she remarried and had 2 more daughters.  After awhile I did not want to go visit her anymore.  Her mood swings were too much to handle….major crying spells…followed by a deep depression…she would just want to sleep…then the next day..she would be bouncing off the walls.   I’m just touching on this subject…It’s very personal….you see… my mother is bi-polar and has manic mood swings.  The last time she was here visiting was 2 years ago..my kids don’t really know her and don’t understand what is going on.  I know I can’t shield them forever but, how do you explain it to them?  I struggle with my relationship with her….it’s my mom…But, I can only take her in small doses…then I feel guilty…How do you handle a parent that is mentally ill?

 

Stacy:

 

Hun, the one thing I always tell you is to accept the way you feel, validate it, and allow it.  The way you feel about her and the distance you keep from her is normal and a direct reaction to her behavior.  You learned when you were small to shield yourself from her in order to protect yourself from what would have been to confusing and painful as a child.  It continues to be painful as an adult, but you have a right to how you feel.  You never really got to experience a fundamental mother/daughter relationship with her because of her illness and her illness is not controlled.  You don’t really know the real her..only her illness.  It isn’t your mother that you are rejecting…just the symptoms of what she has.  Her manic, and juvenile behavior triggers alot of negative feelings for you which is completely understandable.  You wouldn’t be a normal person if you did not feel this way.  So..that being said…. #1..GET RID OF THE GUILT!  It is not your fault you feel this way about her… you are simply protecting yourself.  And that’s normal, understandable, and okay!  #2… Try and accept in your mind that your mother does have this illness…don’t expect her to have the same social skills and coping mechanisms you have..because she doesn’t. Expect her to be who she is and you will find yourself  less frustrated and dissappointed when you do see her.  #3…as your children get older, when they do see her it is okay to explain to them that sometimes she does things that are innappropriate…and it doesn’t make it right, but that’s just the way she is. 

Jen…don’t take her behavior personally…don’t feel guilty…and don’t expect more than she is capable of.  Seeing her every two years in small doses is okay if that’s all you want to give.  Forgive yourself and validate that you are just a normal person reacting the way any normal person would in your shoes.  But remember sometimes when we expect less of someone in this type of situation we actually get more out of that.  Release the guilt!  You are human my friend!

Is it OK to quit?

Jen:

Every Saturday since September of last year my 4 year old daughter was taking  ballet/tap class.  The ballet studio she went to follows the school season.  In June they are going to have a cute recital in which the girls will dress up in a bumble bee costume .   Well, all the other little girls will be dancing and tapping their little hearts out…except for my daughter.  I let her quit her ballet/tap class.  I let my 4 year old make her first real decision that didn’t have to do with who she would invite over for a play-date or what outfit she should wear.  I’ve have always wanted my kids to be involved in sports….To make being physically active an every day activity that would come natural to them like waking up and brushing their teeth.  I believe it’s so important to teach kids the importance of being physically active to their health and well-being.   Did I mention that my daughter also takes gymnastics every Tuesday night and has been for almost 2 years?  And let’s not forget about soccer.  She started that at the YMCA when she was 3.   Now she belongs to an association in VA.  She started last year in the fall and just started back up this spring.   About 4 weeks ago my daughter started throwing fits about going to ballet class.  She kept telling me that she did not want to go.  I would make her go and after the class she seemed to have enjoyed it.   Sometimes she would throw fits about going to school but, don’t all kids?  I figured this was a one time deal.  Same thing the next weekend.  My daughter kept saying she did not want to go.  I sat her down and we talked about it.  I asked her why she did not want to go to ballet class anymore.  My daughter said that she did not like taking ballet.   She told me that she only liked soccer and gymnastics.    I asked her if she wanted to stop going to class.  She said Yes.  OK….we won’t go to ballet class anymore.  She looked at me and said Thank you Mommy. (she has such good manners. I’m so proud)  I guess I figured that I would expose my kids to different types of physical activity then let them decide what they enjoyed doing and what they did not enjoy doing. And my daughter did just that. Did I make the right choice?    Or is this situation showing my child that it’s OK to quit?  Or…. am I over analyzing another situation?

 

Stacy:

It is okay to let her quit because its not an issue of her not wanting to do anything.  She is clearly involved in other things and totally enjoys them.. So she is obviously well aware of what she likes and doesn’t like and she is entitled to that.  As long as she is following through on the things she likes in a healthy way then you have nothing to worry about.  You are overanalyzing as usual my friend!  🙂

My Radio Debut…

Stacy:

So… In my efforts to promote my amazing, fantastic, exciting, unbelievable new website www.parentsrpeople.com (yes, people this is what you call shameless promoting), I was asked to be on a morning radio show, The Bill Mcleod show which is geared toward helping single parents, one amazing tip at a time…. www.singledadstown.com  (Now Im promoting for Bill….hahaha). 

Ok, I’m done promoting, now back to my moment of glory…. I was sitting on my bed waiting for the phone to ring so that I would be the guest for Bill’s show.  My mind was racing with thoughts of what to say and what not to say… I try and always go with the truth, but as I glanced at my computer screen before me and watched my ex husband’s kind supportive words popping up on my g-chat, I couldn’t help,but to feel badly that I was just moments away from a public bashing.  I would touch on the emotional abuse and the alcoholism and all of his lovely qualities that led to the demise of my soul and inevitably our marriage.  I had to quickly come up with a way that would tell my story without devestating the man as he tuned in expecting nothing other than an interview promoting my website. 

I found a pretty adequate compromise and was pleased with the results.  I know with promoting this site this will be just the first of  many press/media type adventures for me and I know that this is something that I will have to get used to.  So one thing I need to do is accept the fact that I have a story to share and putting it out there will help people…so I will keep doing that and I hope that this is one of many opportunities that I will have to inspire people.

My Radio Interview:  http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio.cfm/shows/The-Bill-McLeod-Radio-Show/archives/date/selected/03-23-2009.html

The Pants On The Kitchen Floor

Jen:

Daylight savings time has got my kids internal clock all sorts of screwed up.  My kids don’t want to go to bed when it’s still light outside & argue with me for what feels like hours. (really it’s only about 30 minutes of torture) Which causes them to want to sleep past 7:30am.  My kids are a mess if they don’t sleep 11-12 hours a night.   I get up and start my day at 6:30am.  I get ready before they get up and usually start their breakfast.  I typically wake them up at 7am.   We are out the door for daycare by 8am and I’m starting my work day by 8:30am.  But, for the past 2 days I swear waking them up is like plucking my eye brows–NO FUN.  They cry, complain, whine, bitch and moan.  I have to drag them out of bed kicking and screaming.  They rub their little eyes and scream all the way to the bathroom to brush those pearly whites.     I have to admit the screaming and whining makes me sweat.  I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart races.  

So today, we were running late again this morning.   After I get them up and moving I come downstairs to start breakfast.  It took me so long getting them up that I did not start it before I woke them up today.  I walked downstairs while their dad helped them get dressed.  My heart was still racing and I was still sweating after all the screaming…. I walked into the kitchen and tripped.   My hands came down to break my fall on the tile floor.  What did I trip over???  My husband’s pants that he wore yesterday.   I lost it…I flipped my lid.  My husband comes home at night through the garage door…..comes into the kitchen and takes his clothes off in the kitchen…leaves them right on the floor….even when the laundry room is right next to the damn kitchen.   This has been a constant argument between us.   I know he works a demanding, physical labor job (he is a horse farrier) But, come on!  Walk your clothes to the laundry room.    But, here is what I can’t figure out….if I did not have a stressful morning with the kids…. would I have still flipped my lid after I tripped over his pants on the kitchen floor?  And can you teach an old dog new tricks?

 

Stacy:

Jen, he is who he is.  You have spelled it out for him for years and he is never going to put those damn pants in the laundry basket.  Marriage is about compromise, yes, but it must also be about acceptance if it is to work.  Sometimes we need to just love and accept our partner for who they are.  None of us want to lose our identity in a relationship so we have to have some freedom to just be who we are.  And if he is the man that drops his pants in the kitchen then just let him be that man. There are things about you that he may not cherish…but he allows it because you are you and need the freedom to be just that.  My marriage didnt last for several reasons…but the number one reason was because I lost myself in that relationship.  His demands swallowed my identity.  So my advice on the topic is we need to allow each other to just be who we are…so we need to choose our battles on what we compromise about.

As for the other question, if you hadn’t had a stressful morning you still would have been pissed off.  I’ve been hearing about the pants for years…it makes you mental to begin with so I would imagine tripping over them would make you explode on any day…LOL! 

Sorry you had a bad day…:(

If you just BELIEVE…

Jen:

The whole trip to LA to be a guest on the Jen and Barb show http://www.jenandbarbmomlife.com/ was pretty surreal.  I got a call from Stacy who just got off the phone with Jen and Barb.  She wanted to know if I could drop everything and fly to LA in 5 days!  Let’s see…I’ve never been to LA…I can spend a couple of days with Stacy…and be on a Web TV show to plug our website??  HELL YES…I will make this work.  My husband will run the circus show for a few days & I’ll have to burn a couple of days of vacation from work.   Jen and Barb wanted to set up some time to talk to the both of us to discuss the topic of the show.  I was on a call with Jen from the show and Stacy the next day.  Jen’s son kept interrupting her while she was on the phone with us.  I love it!  She is a down to earth working mother.   I was even more excited about going after we got off the phone with her. 

I was nervous on the way over to the taping of the show but, once we got to the taping and were on the set…I was ready to go!  Lights, camera, action…let’s roll.  It was so much fun.  The best part was doing this with Stacy.  Plus, I’m so passionate about this website.   I do my best work when I’m passionate about something.  I shine like big bright star in the sky.   Is it true that I gave Stacy my life savings to start this website??  YES!!!   Almost 2 years ago, Stacy had this amazing idea for this parenting website that would link to professionals.  It would give parents and families the chance to get on-line help…bring people together.  It was truly amazing to watch my best friend pull herself out of a bad marriage and depression brought on by losing herself in that marriage.  This site is possible because I believed in Stacy.  My best friend in my opinion is a frigging GENIUS.  I love her with all my heart and have never doubted her vision.  To me life is all about giving back and bringing people together.   The hardest part of all of this was going to my husband and asking him to give up our liquid savings…. that we both worked very hard for.  He does not understand the social networking sites or the need for that connection.  But, I’ve got to give it to him…he supports me…he believes in me…

This site was under construction for close to one year and then launched 6 weeks ago.   Not only do I want to see my best friend succeed but, I want all of this to be a shining example for my kids and Stacy’s kids.  See kids..if you put your mind to something…if you just believe…you really can accomplish anything!!   I want our kids to also know the compassionate nature of their mothers through this website.  To just be so damn proud of us.

It’s been a wild ride….a ride that I’m truly blessed to be on.   Thank you to my husband Brian for supporting me.   Thank you Stacy for giving me the opportunity to be apart of all of this!  I believe in you and love you!  Let’s rock this wild ride.

What? Spontaneous Trip To LA? Let’s Go!

Stacy:

So, I had this phone interview scheduled with Jen and Barb from http://JenandBarbMomLife.com about a week and a half ago. 

Jen and Barb Mom Life creates a forum for women to share their thoughts about how becoming a mom changes you as a woman.

Each episode features life in the trenches of motherhood with a funny take on Mommy Life from two real moms who riff on everything from career to husbands to disciplining kids, along with straight on camera discussion of the daily issues, challenges, and joys of motherhood. Real life from real moms.

I was delighted to have a conversation with Jen and Barb, and to hear from them about what being a mom means to them as well as what they mean about “how becoming a mom changes you as a woman.”
 
Barb is a 41 year old mother of 6 year old twins.  She, like most first time moms, was so excited to have her babies.  She felt confident and strong and more than ready to handle the job. Barb went through a period of post partum depression after her twins were born.  Barb stated,
 
 “When my twins were born that attitude changed into a scared, unsure woman who felt like she was a failure.”
 
Jen is a 42 year old mother of 2 children, ages 6 and 5.  Jen, like Barb, faces the challenge of being a great mom while embarking on this exciting career which is geared toward creating a great forum for mothers to observe, learn, vent, and come together on this emotional journey we all face as mothers.
 
Jen and Barb’s website features these great episodes where Jen and Barb are open and honest about all of the feelings they face as mothers.   The stories they share are real, and depict issues any mother can relate to.  From issues of dealing with organizing your home, post partum depression, to the necessity of a girl’s night out, Jen and Barb have made it their mission to cover everything, while providing useful professional resources for their viewers.
 
I had a great time talking with Jen and Barb.  I know I related to what they were saying, and feel most mothers would agree.  Being a mom changes you as a woman.  You are suddenly faced with challenges you never knew existed, all the while knowing that the well being of someone else, your child, has become the most important thing to you.  The love you have for your child can easily take over the needs you have for yourself.  Jen and Barb have created a forum where mothers can learn how to create the balance  between  being a great mom and learning how  to also keep yourself on that priority list.

We were all having such a great time chatting on the phone about what motherhood is really all about.  Jen then said to us, “It’s too bad you guys are in New York.  You would have been prefect for our show next week about the importance of girlfriends.”  Jen went on to talk about how every mom needs that friend to confide in and lean on… to make her feel normal when her marriage and her life is making her feel a little crazy.   The fact that we have created this website, http://parentsrpeople.com as a way to help mothers make new friends and gain support, coupled with the fact that it was our amazing friendship that made this all possible made us the perfect guests for their show. 

I immediately thought, wow, this is the perfect opportunity for me to share with everyone just what an amazing friend I have.  She invested her life savings in my idea and made my website possible.  She gave me hope and a chance at a fresh start in life, all while doing something that helps people.  I don’t really know if I could ever really put into words just how grateful I am.  I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Jen publicly.  And I’m not gonna lie, I also wanted to take this oportunity to promote my website and to GO PARTY WITH JEN IN LA!  WOOHOO!

So I said to Jen and Barb…”We can totally come out there next week… no problem!” 

Then I called Jen and I said to her, “So we’re going to LA.  Jen and Barb want us on their show to talk about our friendship and our website.”

It may have taken about 4 seconds of silence before Jen said “Hell…Yes!  Let’s go!”

I was so excited.  I did freeze in my glory momentarily when my reality suddenly flashed before my eyes.  I do have 2 children.  And they were going to be off from school.  I knew my parents would understand how great this opportunity would be for me and they would help.  But I felt guilty.  Because that’s what I do.  I know that they love me and they love my children and I know that they will help me.  If only their father would watch them… but no… because that would be, as he puts it, “doing me a favor.”  How many single moms have heard that one from their ex?  One of my favorites for sure.

So Jen and I managed to escape to LA because of her wonderful supportive Husband and my wonderful supportive parents.

We got to the set on Thursday to tape our episode and it went great. I was so excited to tell our story.  And even more excited to have some quality time with my friend Jen and a fun night out in LA.

Jen…. thank you so much for being a spontaneous lunatic like me.  You make life fun.  And thank you for believing in me.  I love you….:)

Kids Are Home For The Week…AGAIN!

Stacy:

Is it just me,or does it feel as though schools are closed every other week?  The kids were just home for Christmas break like five minutes ago!  AHHHH!!!  And thus begins yet another cycle of joy and pain.  Come on moms, you know what I’m talking about.  There is this initial reaction of relief… a week off from getting up super early, rushing kids off to school, homework, the rigid schedule.  It’s a little more laid back and relaxed.  You get some quality time with your kiddies.  And then the harsh reality sets in….a whole week to entertain the children without a break.  OMG… what am I going to do with them all week?  This horrifying thought is then followed by that reliable friend us moms all know so well……GUILT.  We then feel guilty for the overwhelmed feeling we have about having the kids home all week. 

Am I a bad mom because I know by day 2 I’m going to revisit that fantasy about running away? Am I a bad mom because I secretly wish the kids never had a whole week off?  I think 2 days of non-stop action with the kids is enough.  Then I also have the conflict of having to take off from work because they are home.  I can’t really afford to take off from work and this prompts me to want to pick a fight with my ex about the fact that  his week is unaffected by the school vacation.  He will contuniue to get up and go to work and do his thing without being affected at all.  All while not paying child support.  These vacations create a huge conflict for working moms as not everyone has someone to watch the kids when they close.  Then what?  Then we are forced to juggle things…to figure it all out… as superheroes do.  But once again we are then left with the guilt we feel about the frustration in our minds because we have been backed against a wall.

So here is a my advice.  Call it an emotional survival guide for the week:

• The number one most important thing is to REMOVE THE GUILT!  You are human.  What is so important to relaize is that how your children, or your situation with the children makes you feel is NOT a reflection of how you feel about your children.  Did you all follow that?  In simple terms… just because your kids may drive you crazy and you want a break, or your frustrated because now all of your weekly activities, such as work, etc are disrupted doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.  It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy your children.  It just means you are human.
• Plan activities. Have at least one thing planned everyday.  If you have friends to get together with that’s always helpful.  Nothing beats the support and understanding of another mother going through the same emotional roller coaster you are experiencing this week.  And don’t be afraid to confide in a friend.  Your “mommy friends” will be relieved to know that they are not alone in their thoughts.
• Validate how you are feeling and know that it is normal.  You love your kids, but being a mom is hard work.  It is a very demanding, full time job…on top of all of the other responsibilities you have.  Acknowledge that. 
• Try and schedule a little break for yourself.  Perhaps the kids can go on a playdate?  Perhaps you can have someone watch your kids and have an evening out…with the husband…with a friend.  Allow yourself that simple pleasure if possible.  It’s okay.
• Try and enjoy the moment… at least once a day.  Have just one moment where you think about nothing else but the joy of having this time with your children.  Do something with them…at least one thing and don’t think about anything else while doing it…just be with your children and feel the love.

Now as I write this post, my son is running in circles smacking himself on the butt….while singing .. “I’m smacking my butt…I’m smacking my butt..”  and my daughter is whining at me because she has to go to the bathroom.  Why do I have to go with her to the bathroom?  Good times.

Don’t worry moms!  We’ll get through the week!  Next Monday will come…and we have at least a few weeks before we are doing this all over again for Spring Recess…..:)

ONE, TWO, THREE!!

Jen:

It’s almost 10pm…almost time for me to go to bed.  I’m on the phone with Stacy for our nightly chat after the day is done and the kids are long gone to bed…well my kids anyway.
I can hear Stacy’s kids screaming for her in the background.  This has become her nightly routine.  She puts her kids to bed at 8:30pm and they call her for at least 2 hours.  They want her to get them something to drink, something to eat, or watch something on TV.    And she gives in..night after night.  How exhausting!!  I can hear the exhaustion in Stacy’s voice when we get on the phone for our nightly chats.  She is a single mom..superwoman to me!  She needs time to unwind from her day…maybe catch up on work or emails..read a good book or watch a mindless TV show!    As parents our days are long…it varies with each household…in mine it goes something like this…make sure the kids are off to daycare, work, after school activities, homework, dinner, cooking, cleaning, give kids bath, bedtime for the kids, pay some attention to the husband, catch up on Facebook, emails, blog some and then bed.  When I get my kids to bed it’s MY time.  My time to do WHATEVER I want to do.

This particular night I decide to give Stacy my opinion on her situation…like it or lump it.  For goodness sake!!! My best friend is a Therapist!! She knows better!!!  But, before I can share my words of wisdom, I hear her son yelling, One…. Two….Three!   “Is that your son counting at you?”

 

Stacy:

Yes, my son was counting at me…  Okay, I know Jen is right.  I know exactly what I am doing wrong and I know exactly how to fix it.  I have given my children control and I have allowed them create an absolute nightmare of a routine every single night!  What I need to come to terms with is exactly why is it that I allow this to go on when I know its wrong and totally dysfunctional for my kids and for myself.  They aren’t getting enough sleep and I haven’t had an evening to myself in months.  So the night Brandon started counting at me …. and Jen heard it….. is the night this all came to a head. (This was just a few days ago, by the way…)

So this is what happens.  My kids go up to bed.  Then they continually call for me for at least 3 hours asking for anything.  Food, drinks, they have a headache, they want a different blanket, the sky is falling… you name it and I have heard it.  I try the “lets ignore them” routine and they are RELENTLESS!  But when I decided that’s it! Tonight I am just not responding, Brandon started to count.  “MOMMY!  GET UP HERE!  1…2….” 

OMG!  He is counting at me!  He has become the boss here.  He is in charge.  The mere reality that he, at 8 years old, thinks it appropriate and effective to count at his mother!  So what is my problem? I will lay it out for you because perhaps exploring my dysfunction will help you, whoever is reading, to understand what is going on when this happens to you.

I am a single mom.  My ex is …well…. let’s just say he is inconsistant.  He sees the kids only on the weekend, for one night…sometimes… and rarely has them for an entire 24 hour period.  His visits with them vary from week to week depending on what plans he has made for the weekend.  Plans come before the kids because, as he puts it, “I have to move on with my life.”  NO COMMENT!

Anyway… Point being, I am alone.  I am lonely and its hard work.  At first I thought its easier to bring them a cookie than argue about it for an  hour.  Then I thought, well if I bring them what they want then I will have peace and be able to unwind, talk to a friend, whatever!  You see I need that human contact at night.  Whether its chatting on the phone or on the computer, these interactions with other adults are important to me.  My kids get home at 3:45 every day from school.  And from that moment on until the morning it is just me and them.  No one is coming home to me.  No one is having dinner with me, watching a movie with me, helping me with chores, chatting with me or cuddling with me in bed.  I chose this because my Husband was not right for me.  But just because I didn’t want him doesn’t mean that I don’t crave companionship.  The kids are exhausting, demanding and challenging.  By the end of the long afternoon and evening, I get to that defeated place in my psyche where I will just give in to anything if they will just go to bed and leave me to my escape..whatever it may be.

But as I sit here and listen to my daughter crying upstairs because she wants chicken (yes, its 11:30 at night), I realize there is more to all of this.  Their father was mean to them.  He was intolerant, angry, and controlling.  I say this not to pass judgement, but to express the facts as they are.  He would scream at them for just about everything.  He would scream at me for just about everything.  I rejoiced in my freedom the day that man moved out.  I set myself free.  Free to be me.  Free to treat my children the way I chose to treat them without his reign over me.  Then it hit me.  My dilemma here was twofold:

1.  I felt guilty that he had been such a tyrant…that I allowed it.  I was trying to make it up to my children by giving in to all the things he said no to.  Problem is he said no to everything.

2.  I was acting out.  He had me under his thumb for so long that I was acting out against the control by creating an environment with no control at all.  This wasn’t good for anyone.  I am feeling overwhelmed, and the kids have to be feeling this as well.

I need to take the reigns.  But my way.  Rejoicing in the peace and serenity of living without my husband does not mean that there needs to be no order.  The beauty is in the simple fact that the order gets to be decided by me.  I control my life now.  And I must restore order to my children’s lives.  But in a way that is kind, fair, nurturing, and consistant.  What I always wanted for them.  What they always deserved.

 

Jen is right.  I do know better.  Thanks for making me write this, my friend…:)