Chemical Imbalance

Jen:

Definition of Chemical imbalance on the Web: 

Generic term for the idea that chemical in the brain are either too scarce or too abundant resulting in or contributing to a mental disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

I’ve done my research on this term and bipolar disorder.  I’ve searched the Internet and read numerous  books.  But,  I still need more information.  I crave it like a kid that had it’s first taste of sugar.  I want more, more  and more. You see my biological mother suffers from bipolar disorder.   I want to  have patience and understanding about the condition she suffers from.  When in reality I am just angry and bitter.    I’m angry that she can’t just be normal and that I feel robbed of experiencing a mother-daughter relationship with her.  I know that I need to work on this.  I’m finally open to discussing this in more detail.   To give a little history on me…My parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.   I was raised by my dad.  My mom had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized after the divorce.  When she recovered she moved on with her life.  She got remarried and had 2 more daughters.  My mom was in and out of my life over the next few years.  I visited her for a few years than just stopped wanting to go.  The last time I saw her I was 11 years old.  Over the years she made no effort to contact me.  I didn’t hear from her on my b-day or any Holiday’s for that matter.  The next time I saw her I was in my early 20’s b/c I contacted her.   As I grew up I wanted to try to reconnect with her and have some kind of relationship. Now I’m 35 years old and see her maybe every 2 years if I pay for her to come visit me.  It’s still the same song and dance with her.  She always and still plays the blame game…blames my dad for keeping me from her and blames him b/c he was never there for her….blames my step mother for keeping me from her……(not the case at all) blames her second husband…blames her mother & father for all her issues….blames her family. She does not take any responsibility for the decisions she has made in her life.  My childhood memories of her when my parents were together consists of episodes where she would fly off the handle, scream,  throw things, and hit my dad.   I remember not wanting to be around her and always feeling more connected to my dad.   And, I’m thankful for having such a loving and amazing father in my life…. I’m not looking for sympathy by sharing all of this.   My hope is that it by putting this out there it will help people that know someone that suffers from a chemical imbalance or people that suffer from it themselves.   I don’t wallow in self pity….I know that you create your own life.  I have my own family now and get to experience a mother-daughter relationship with my own daughter (I treasure every second of it) Yet, I still have so many questions….What causes a chemical imbalance?  Is it hereditary? Is it caused from the environment you grow up in?  How can I have more patience and understanding with this situation?  I’m also thankful that my best friend is a Therapist and can answer my questions.

Stacy:

Jen.. I’m so proud of you..look at your self awareness!  You are trying to look at this situation with your mom as a rational adult would, but what’s happening to you is that the hurt little girl who didn’t understand that mom was mentally ill creeps into your brain and takes over when your mom acts in a way that is hurtful.  You see as a child you didn’t understand… you needed your mother to be a mother.  She wasn’t capable of that and then you were pretty much abandoned by her at the age of 6.  You had to be angry at her as to not be sad about what you were missing all along.  So now as an adult you want to understand her illness and forgive her behavior…but the little six year takes over and vents her rage because that is her defense mechanism against the pain her illness has caused.

Bipolar Disorder can be genetic.  It is often passed down through generations and is caused by the chemical imbalance you refer to.  It has many different severities and 2 cases with the same diagnosis can appear to be so different.  Generally speaking, Bipolar means the person switches from depressed to manic behavior.  Manic behavior is the behavior that seems so crazy to you.  The impulsive behavior, the delusions of grandior, risk taking, psychotic episodes, rage, stealing, and so on…  It is very difficult to deal with someone close you with this disorder because they seem so irrational much of the time.  They live in their own reality…free from consequence… and it’s frustrating.  Imagine how a little girl interprets a mother who behaves this way?

Sometimes Bipolar Disorder is not inherited.  Sometimes it is actually a defense mechanism created over time due to a history of abuse and dysfuncyion.  People can sometimes have what is called a “manic defense” where they will slip into a manic episode as a defense mechanism against depression.  Regardless of where it comes from, it is what it is. 

 Please give yourself some credit.  Understand what your mother’s illness is about, but also understand the pain of the lost little girl dwelling in your psyche.  Soothe her, comfort her, and tell her all the things that might have made a difference when this was all really happening.  But most important… allow her the feelings she was never really able to have.. validate them.  Don’t feel guilt…none of this is your fault.  You are just a human being having normal human being responses to a situation that is emotionally draining.

You are strong and you will come through this with self awareness and understanding that will help you let go of the pain.

Feeling unappreciated at work lately? Are you having a bad day?

Jen:

A co-worker of mine sent me this to me via email.  Unbelievable!  She could not have timed sending this to me any better…my morning at work has been stressful….This helped  snap me back into a better perspective! I hope it helps you too…

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS New York Times:

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE
DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday
morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the
weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: “George was always the first guy in
each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual
that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He
was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself. ” A post mortem
examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering
a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge
occasionally

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These:

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unp lugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaskawas $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

Granny’s Got Sticky Fingers

Jen:

This week has been a long exhausting week for me.  My mother who lives in Buffalo, NY has been staying with me since Sunday.  I’ve been debating on whether or not I should blog about any of this.   But, maybe I’m not alone and other people have a parent that is mentally ill.   It’s become apparent to me just how worse she has become.  I took her to my daughter’s gymnastics class the other night.  My son plays in the waiting area which is filled with toys and books.  My mother was sitting with my son and reading him books.  He was loving every second of it and belly laughing….it was really cute.  We left gymnastics and were about to pull out of the parking lot when my mother turns to my son and says look what Granny has for you… It was the books she was reading to him inside of gymnastics.   I asked her if she took the books.  She said…yes… ..then said to me….haven’t you ever stole something before?….ummmm….yes…when I was 8….a pack of gum from the candy store and I got in caught and it taught me a lesson….your a 58 year old woman!…..this is totally unacceptable.   Before I proceeded to lecture her like she was a child I turned the DVD player on in the car so my kids would focus on the TV and not what I was about to say to my mother…..first of all this is not the kind of example that I want for my kids…to show them it’s OK to take things that don’t belong to them.  Second..I come here every week with my kids…My kids enjoy coming here….why would you try to infringe on that?  I asked her to bring the books back inside.  She told me No…the books were special to her b/c she read them to my son and he enjoyed them…someday when I’m a grandma I would understand.  I told her if she didn’t bring the books back in right now I would change her plane ticket and send her back to Buffalo the next day.  She got out of the car and brought the books back into gymnastics.   My parents divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mother had a nervous breakdown and went into a hospital for over a month. My father got full custody of me and my sister who is 2 years younger than me.  Over the next few years she was in and out of my life.  I was too young to understand mental illness, but I understood that something was not right with my mother.  Eventually she remarried and had 2 more daughters.  After awhile I did not want to go visit her anymore.  Her mood swings were too much to handle….major crying spells…followed by a deep depression…she would just want to sleep…then the next day..she would be bouncing off the walls.   I’m just touching on this subject…It’s very personal….you see… my mother is bi-polar and has manic mood swings.  The last time she was here visiting was 2 years ago..my kids don’t really know her and don’t understand what is going on.  I know I can’t shield them forever but, how do you explain it to them?  I struggle with my relationship with her….it’s my mom…But, I can only take her in small doses…then I feel guilty…How do you handle a parent that is mentally ill?

 

Stacy:

 

Hun, the one thing I always tell you is to accept the way you feel, validate it, and allow it.  The way you feel about her and the distance you keep from her is normal and a direct reaction to her behavior.  You learned when you were small to shield yourself from her in order to protect yourself from what would have been to confusing and painful as a child.  It continues to be painful as an adult, but you have a right to how you feel.  You never really got to experience a fundamental mother/daughter relationship with her because of her illness and her illness is not controlled.  You don’t really know the real her..only her illness.  It isn’t your mother that you are rejecting…just the symptoms of what she has.  Her manic, and juvenile behavior triggers alot of negative feelings for you which is completely understandable.  You wouldn’t be a normal person if you did not feel this way.  So..that being said…. #1..GET RID OF THE GUILT!  It is not your fault you feel this way about her… you are simply protecting yourself.  And that’s normal, understandable, and okay!  #2… Try and accept in your mind that your mother does have this illness…don’t expect her to have the same social skills and coping mechanisms you have..because she doesn’t. Expect her to be who she is and you will find yourself  less frustrated and dissappointed when you do see her.  #3…as your children get older, when they do see her it is okay to explain to them that sometimes she does things that are innappropriate…and it doesn’t make it right, but that’s just the way she is. 

Jen…don’t take her behavior personally…don’t feel guilty…and don’t expect more than she is capable of.  Seeing her every two years in small doses is okay if that’s all you want to give.  Forgive yourself and validate that you are just a normal person reacting the way any normal person would in your shoes.  But remember sometimes when we expect less of someone in this type of situation we actually get more out of that.  Release the guilt!  You are human my friend!

I’ve Retired My High Heals

Jen:

A week ago today I had foot surgery on my left foot.  I’m finally coming out of my pain pill haze and able to put sentences together.   I’m completely flat footed.  I have no arch in my feet whatsoever.   For years my motto has been fashion over comfort!  I would kick my slutty platforms or high heals all over this town in my 20’s….NO MORE.  I’ve finally embraced my flats and have retired my high heals.  Any heal that is in my closet higher than 2 inches are being passed down to my BF Jennifer that wears the same size shoe as me.   Back in November of last year I began having knee pain.  I went to an orthopedic specialist….they took x-rays and I had an MRI done on my knee…nothing wrong.  A few weeks ago the pain starting shooting down to my left ankle and foot.   I began wanting to stand kind of sideways b/c that is what felt comfortable to me. I can’t ignore what is going on with my foot anymore.   I knew that my big toe on my left foot was not straight anymore….I knew that b/c my left big toe was not straight anymore it caused the bone on top of my foot to protrude….I knew that it was my left foot all along…I knew it….I just kept going…thinking it would go away.   So, 2 weeks ago I finally went to the Podiatrist.  He told me that I needed surgery ASAP.  He would have to break my big toe…re-set it….screw 3 pins in it to make it straight and shave the bone on top of my big toe down.  Then he told me after this was all over with I would need to get inserts specially made to wear in my shoes to give me an arch.   I’m on crutches right now.  I can’t put any pressure on my foot for at least another week.  Then I’ll be in a “boot”  for 6 weeks after that.   The pain has been pretty unbearable.   The next day after the surgery was hell.  I don’t enjoy taking pain pills…but, I’ve been popping them like candy over this past week.   I can admit without a dobut that I’m a control freak and right now I have no control over my life.   I can’t drive, take my kids to daycare, pick them up, sweep the floor, do the dishes, give the kids a bath, clean the table, do the laundry, clean my house,  cook dinner, or go to the grocery store.  Almost sounds like being on vacation.  But, not for this control freak.  My husband is running the show….doing his normal duties and mine.  I don’t like it….I hate feeling helpless.  His defintion and my defintion of clean mean totally different things.  I’m supposed to sit on my ass, keep my foot evleated and have a bag of ice on top of it as often as I can.   Thank goodeness I work from home b/c I could not even imagine trying to get ready and hobble into the office.  This morning I was going to the bathroon and I slipped on the bathroom floor.  I fell straight down and landed on my foot.  All I could do was cry and oddly enough laugh.  It’s been a long exhausting week.  I know I will get through all of this…. But, what is a control freak like me supposed to do right now?

 

Stacy:

Jen….STOP BEING A CONTROL FREAK!  Why not go back to that glorious statement you made… that momentary thought you had…”Sounds like being on vacation.”  That’s right.. you are on vacation.  Let your husband do these chores and let him do them HIS WAY!  Nothing will happen if he bathes the kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner, and straightens up the house Brian style.  Actually… something amazing may come of this.  Besides the fact that your foot will be fixed and you will no longer be in pain, perhaps your husband will have a new perspective and appreciation for who you are and what you do everyday.  And perhaps he will learn a few things that may make him more involved in these things from now on….maybe he will even start picking those damn pants up off the floor every once in a while.  Remember that everything doesn’t have to be perfect, that there is no such thing as perfect and that it will all be ok…. 🙂

The Pants On The Kitchen Floor

Jen:

Daylight savings time has got my kids internal clock all sorts of screwed up.  My kids don’t want to go to bed when it’s still light outside & argue with me for what feels like hours. (really it’s only about 30 minutes of torture) Which causes them to want to sleep past 7:30am.  My kids are a mess if they don’t sleep 11-12 hours a night.   I get up and start my day at 6:30am.  I get ready before they get up and usually start their breakfast.  I typically wake them up at 7am.   We are out the door for daycare by 8am and I’m starting my work day by 8:30am.  But, for the past 2 days I swear waking them up is like plucking my eye brows–NO FUN.  They cry, complain, whine, bitch and moan.  I have to drag them out of bed kicking and screaming.  They rub their little eyes and scream all the way to the bathroom to brush those pearly whites.     I have to admit the screaming and whining makes me sweat.  I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart races.  

So today, we were running late again this morning.   After I get them up and moving I come downstairs to start breakfast.  It took me so long getting them up that I did not start it before I woke them up today.  I walked downstairs while their dad helped them get dressed.  My heart was still racing and I was still sweating after all the screaming…. I walked into the kitchen and tripped.   My hands came down to break my fall on the tile floor.  What did I trip over???  My husband’s pants that he wore yesterday.   I lost it…I flipped my lid.  My husband comes home at night through the garage door…..comes into the kitchen and takes his clothes off in the kitchen…leaves them right on the floor….even when the laundry room is right next to the damn kitchen.   This has been a constant argument between us.   I know he works a demanding, physical labor job (he is a horse farrier) But, come on!  Walk your clothes to the laundry room.    But, here is what I can’t figure out….if I did not have a stressful morning with the kids…. would I have still flipped my lid after I tripped over his pants on the kitchen floor?  And can you teach an old dog new tricks?

 

Stacy:

Jen, he is who he is.  You have spelled it out for him for years and he is never going to put those damn pants in the laundry basket.  Marriage is about compromise, yes, but it must also be about acceptance if it is to work.  Sometimes we need to just love and accept our partner for who they are.  None of us want to lose our identity in a relationship so we have to have some freedom to just be who we are.  And if he is the man that drops his pants in the kitchen then just let him be that man. There are things about you that he may not cherish…but he allows it because you are you and need the freedom to be just that.  My marriage didnt last for several reasons…but the number one reason was because I lost myself in that relationship.  His demands swallowed my identity.  So my advice on the topic is we need to allow each other to just be who we are…so we need to choose our battles on what we compromise about.

As for the other question, if you hadn’t had a stressful morning you still would have been pissed off.  I’ve been hearing about the pants for years…it makes you mental to begin with so I would imagine tripping over them would make you explode on any day…LOL! 

Sorry you had a bad day…:(

The Bully

Jen:

For the past 2 months every week my daughter has been pushed by the same little boy on the playground at her daycare.   It’s frustrating as a parent to listen to your child tell you they get  pushed around and feel so helpless.  My daughter is just 4 years old!  Do bullies start to form their bad habits this early on?  The first couple of weeks that it started happening…. my advise to Emma was not to  push or hit back and just tell the teacher.  And that is exactly what Emma did for 3 weeks straight.  She would get pushed clear across the playground, sometimes making her cry…she would get up, tell the teacher…and the little pusher would get put in time out.  By week 4 my patience with this situation was wearing thin.    Is my daughter the only one who is getting pushed by this little boy?  Why does he push her?  Does she say something that is mean and provokes the little boy in some way? Or am I totally over analyzing this situation???  Is this normal behavior for 4 and 5 year old’s? 

I decided on week 4 to talk to the teacher.  Apparently, my little girl is not the only one that gets pushed.  The teacher assures me the situation is being handled and the little boy’s mother is aware.  Now we head into week 5….she is pushed again, takes it…. does the right thing and tells the teacher….week 6…same thing…gets pushed, takes it again and tells the teacher…Now,  I decided to go talk to the Director and Assistant Director.   I’m assured that this situation is again being handled.  They are working with his mother….Great to hear…working with his mother…fantastic…I love the daycare my kids go to and trust in the Director and Assistant Director…but, still all of this does not sit right with me when we go into week 7 and again she is pushed!  She tells me as soon as I pick her up.  This time, instead of telling her that you are doing the right thing by not hitting back and telling the teacher b/c you should not put your hands on another kid…you don’t like it when you get pushed…For some reason this time I tell her that the next time that little boy pushes you to kick him as hard as you can and stand up to him.  Don’t we want our kids to stand up for themselves?  Not to let someone else push them around???  Week 8…I go pick my daughter up and her teacher comes up to me as soon as she sees me walk through the door.  Emma got pushed today by a totally different boy this time!! And she kicked this little boy as hard as she could…sent the little boy crying to the teacher.  The teacher goes on to tell me that they have a no hitting/pushing policy…PERIOD.   The little boy that pushed her went to sit in time out….they went to go talk to Emma and put her in time out…But, Emma tells the teacher, “My mommy told me that if I get pushed I should kick them and it’s OK.”  They did not put Emma in time out and asked me if that was true.  Ummmm….yes…yes it is….OMG!!!  What have I done???

 

Stacy:

Oh jen!  I love you so…but don’t go telling your 4 year old to kick other children!  (I say that with love and hugs of course.  None of us are perfect…I mean I give my daughter chicken at 11:00 at night so I don’t have to hear her scream…haha) 

So, here is my advice.  You want to start to teach your daughter to cope withthis the way you would want her to as an adult.  The best way to deal with a bully at any age is by doing the follwing three things:

1. See the bully for what they are.  It’s tough to comprehend at her age but try and help her understand it on her level.  You want her to grow to be emotionally unaffected buy these people.  So at any age, if treated badly by another individual she will think to herself…”hmmmm I wonder what their problem is.”  You never want her to feel if someone treats her badly that there is something wrong with her.  I hear your story and I think, “wow.. that poor little boy…something must be wrong.”  And you were feeling personally attacked and immediately assumed Emma was being singled out and pondered what SHE was doing wrong.  You want Emma to be able to see the dysfunction of others as their problem..not hers.  To feel sorry for them and not to take their actions personally so that these types of conflicts roll off her back and she remains strong, confident, and unaffected.  You can try and help her to understand that this child must have a problem…and its not about her!
2. You want to encourage her to seek help since it is physical and she could get hurt.  Telling on the kid and trying to avoid him are the right things to do.  Telling him not to push and that she will get help from the teachers is appropriate. Encourage her to see that he will paying consequences since he is the one acting out against the rules. 
3. If you see that the issue continues you do have the right to complain to the daycare about this.  These things do happen from time to time, however, if the issue persists and can’t be controlled the daycare should remove that little boy as he would be inappropriate for their setting if he continues to be physical with other kids.

Don’t worry!  What you have done can easily be undone.  It is okay to tell Emma that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have told her to do that!  Two wrongs don’t make a right and won’t stop the little boy from doing what he does.  All that happens is the conflict gets worse and Emma learns to use violence and anger to resolve a situation instead of relying on her assertiveness and self esteem to remove the issue from her life. 

However, I do understand your desire to kick the little boys but for bullying your daughter.  Just try and remember the bully is usually a victim of something and they are acting out.  They are not there to make other children miserable..they are just trying to feel better because something is very wrong in their world.  But since I’m the empathic one and you tend to wanna kick ass, I wonder how you will feel about my response?  LOL

Kids Are Home For The Week…AGAIN!

Stacy:

Is it just me,or does it feel as though schools are closed every other week?  The kids were just home for Christmas break like five minutes ago!  AHHHH!!!  And thus begins yet another cycle of joy and pain.  Come on moms, you know what I’m talking about.  There is this initial reaction of relief… a week off from getting up super early, rushing kids off to school, homework, the rigid schedule.  It’s a little more laid back and relaxed.  You get some quality time with your kiddies.  And then the harsh reality sets in….a whole week to entertain the children without a break.  OMG… what am I going to do with them all week?  This horrifying thought is then followed by that reliable friend us moms all know so well……GUILT.  We then feel guilty for the overwhelmed feeling we have about having the kids home all week. 

Am I a bad mom because I know by day 2 I’m going to revisit that fantasy about running away? Am I a bad mom because I secretly wish the kids never had a whole week off?  I think 2 days of non-stop action with the kids is enough.  Then I also have the conflict of having to take off from work because they are home.  I can’t really afford to take off from work and this prompts me to want to pick a fight with my ex about the fact that  his week is unaffected by the school vacation.  He will contuniue to get up and go to work and do his thing without being affected at all.  All while not paying child support.  These vacations create a huge conflict for working moms as not everyone has someone to watch the kids when they close.  Then what?  Then we are forced to juggle things…to figure it all out… as superheroes do.  But once again we are then left with the guilt we feel about the frustration in our minds because we have been backed against a wall.

So here is a my advice.  Call it an emotional survival guide for the week:

• The number one most important thing is to REMOVE THE GUILT!  You are human.  What is so important to relaize is that how your children, or your situation with the children makes you feel is NOT a reflection of how you feel about your children.  Did you all follow that?  In simple terms… just because your kids may drive you crazy and you want a break, or your frustrated because now all of your weekly activities, such as work, etc are disrupted doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.  It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy your children.  It just means you are human.
• Plan activities. Have at least one thing planned everyday.  If you have friends to get together with that’s always helpful.  Nothing beats the support and understanding of another mother going through the same emotional roller coaster you are experiencing this week.  And don’t be afraid to confide in a friend.  Your “mommy friends” will be relieved to know that they are not alone in their thoughts.
• Validate how you are feeling and know that it is normal.  You love your kids, but being a mom is hard work.  It is a very demanding, full time job…on top of all of the other responsibilities you have.  Acknowledge that. 
• Try and schedule a little break for yourself.  Perhaps the kids can go on a playdate?  Perhaps you can have someone watch your kids and have an evening out…with the husband…with a friend.  Allow yourself that simple pleasure if possible.  It’s okay.
• Try and enjoy the moment… at least once a day.  Have just one moment where you think about nothing else but the joy of having this time with your children.  Do something with them…at least one thing and don’t think about anything else while doing it…just be with your children and feel the love.

Now as I write this post, my son is running in circles smacking himself on the butt….while singing .. “I’m smacking my butt…I’m smacking my butt..”  and my daughter is whining at me because she has to go to the bathroom.  Why do I have to go with her to the bathroom?  Good times.

Don’t worry moms!  We’ll get through the week!  Next Monday will come…and we have at least a few weeks before we are doing this all over again for Spring Recess…..:)

Relax Don’t Do It

Jen:

I’m back in gear…..on the saddle again….motivated as hell…back in the gym!   I’ve been consistently going for the past month at least 5 times a week.  Now, yesterday was my first day back after being sick for the past 4 days.   I still have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose.  But, I’m pumped…I’ve been dying to get back and relieve my pent up stress.  Once I’m motivated and on a mission to get back in shape you can’t stop me!!   ( It only took me 8 months and 15 pounds later to walk back in the door)

So here I was yesterday at the YMCA in Powhatan, VA.   Powhatan is a county in the South-side of Richmond, VA.  It’s a small country town, very quaint…. This Yankee from NYC loves living in the country!!  I had just finished a morning of work and took my lunch break at the gym.   I walked in and went over to the treadmill.  I felt like walking yesterday or maybe even break into running.   I looked around the gym….it’s the same lunch crowd.    A couple of moms with their kids at the on-site kid watch, a couple of guys lifting weights and the normal group of  senior citizens….. my walking buddies already on the treadmill.

I turned on my ipod.  I have a total crush on my ipod.  My ipod is my best friend when I’m at the gym.  I have 402 songs on my ipod.  I put it on shuffle and start walking.  I’m proud of the fact that I put in some time with my ipod.  I hand picked each and every song on my ipod and I love every one of them.  Everything from Aretha Franklin to Motley Crue to Led Zeppelin to the Notorious B.I.G.

By now I’m 25 minutes into working out when all of a sudden the next song on my ipod starts….Relax…by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.  I started running…as fast as I could…and I’m singing along in my head….

Relax don’t do it
When you want to go to it
Relax don’t do it
When you want to come

Faster…faster…I run….I’m sweating…and just keep running…faster…this song brings me back to the 80’s.  What year did this song come out?  83? 84?  I remember when I first heard this song at my cousins house.   It just made me want to get up and dance.  I think I was ten or eleven and had no idea what this song meant!  Yesterday this song  just made me want to run…faster…

But shoot it in the right direction
Make making it your intention — ooh yeah
Live those dreams
Scheme those schemes
Got to hit me
Hit me
Hit me with those laser beams

I ran as fast and as hard as I could…until the song ended…then I just stop running.  My workout ended with that song. What a great workout!  I’m dripping with sweat at this point and my head is no longer stuffed up.  I get off the treadmill and head to get a drink of water.   Why is everyone in the gym looking at me?  Is something hanging out of my nose?  Every single person in the gym was staring right at me.  Is the guy lifting weights looking at me AND laughing?  What did I miss?  The guy lifting weights walks past me and said, ” Have a nice day…. Relax don’t do it.”

All of a sudden I felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks.  I was not singing in my head along to Relax….. I was singing out loud!!  My singing voice is HORRIBLE! A frog sounds better than me!  Was I embarrassed?? Nope. I just laughed….at myself…I’m 34 years old and I’ve finally learned to laugh at myself. I laughed all the way out of the YMCA and all the way home.  I made some major progress yesterday.   I learned to laugh at myself.   I can’t wait to go back to the gym during my lunch break today. Laughter really is the best medicine.

Stress and Anxiety…My Unwanted Friends

Jen:

Let’s face it…..the economy is in the toilet right now.  It’s a stressful time for everyone.  One way or another we are all feeling a certain amount of stress and anxiety.   I ‘m currently a recruiter working  for a financial services company that just laid off 1,000 people…400 in the town I live in Richmond, VA.    I was not affected and still have my job.  But, some of my co-workers were not so lucky.  Single mothers, dads with families to take care of, single women living on their own, working mothers…all with bills and mortgages to pay….gone…

A lot of my co-workers have become very good friends of mine.  For some reason I feel guilty about still having my job.  I sit up at night sometimes, my heart races and I can’t sleep.  Then my mind starts racing not only about my current situation at work but, the dishes that need to be done, the laundry that I left in the dryer,  the car that needs the oil changed,  the bills that need to be paid,  my friend that is going through a hard time,  my dsyfuntional extended family, worry about my kids….my mind won’t shut down.  I’ve somehow triggered them again and they are back.  My unwanted friends….stress and anxiety…creeping back into my life…knocking on my door again.  It’s been a long time since they have been here.   I’ve worked hard keep them out of my life.  I try taking deep breaths to turn my mind off and kick stress and anxiety out of my room.  When that does not work I look at the clock.  If it’s not past midnight I know that Stacy is still up.  My best friend is a therapist she will know how to get stress and anxiety out of my room at least for tonight.

Stacy:

Ok Jen, my little control freak, self sabotaging friend.  I will lay it out for you.  Let’s start with the first thing you wrote about.  You are feeling GUILTY about the situation at work where coworkers are being laid off.  Yes, it is sad.  Yes, it is normal to feel sad for all of those people who lost their jobs.  But you would not be human if there were not a part of you that thought, “Thank God it wasn’t me…I still have my job.”  The problem, however, triggered by this very thought is the simple fact that you are a really good person.  So, you then feel guilty that you have these thoughts of “luck” or “relief” and what you then experience is what is called survivors guilt.  It’s a terrible feeling…I lived with it my whole life and I’ve sabotaged myself countless times because of it.  At this point I know you are thinking, so what the hell does that have to do with me sabotaging myself…. ok, so here is the deal….

The second thing you mentioned was the fact that your mind starts racing and you start worrying about all of the things you haven’t finished…all at once…as if to ambush yourself.  What’s happening to you needs to be looked at in two steps:

Step One:  You want to distract your mind from the thoughts about work because its a situation that you can’t control.  You don’t like that you can’t control it (because you’re a little bit of a control freak  🙂   )  So you start to think about the things in your life you can control… laundry, dishes, bills…all things you can do.

Step Two:  You pile on thoughts of things that make you feel like a failure.  I never did this, I have to do that…all things that make you feel stress.  You are inflicting yourself with thoughts that cause you emotional discomfort because your goal (subconsciously) is to punish yourself.  You have guilt because you are in a better place than your coworkers so you obsolve yourself of your guilt by drowning yourself in a sea of stress and misery by focusing on the things in your life that aren’t going right.  Now you have placed yourself in the misery boat with your unemployed coworkers and no longer feel the guilt that was tormenting you…at least for the moment.  However, now you are miserable and feeling anxious…and this is what your mind had set out to achieve.

So, how do we fix this?  Jen…. YOU have no control over the economy.  The state of financial crisis we are in was not caused by YOU!   The lay offs are upsetting and a concern to us all, but remove the personal blame you are placing on yourself.  Accept that this is a situation you cannot and do not control.  Accept that you feel sad for your coworkers because you care about them and what is happening to them is terrible.  And accept that you feel lucky to still have your job.  If you were laid off as well, that would not help all of the people who lost their jobs.  Its okay to feel lucky right now.. you do have a family to take care of and you need your income rigt now.  Separate feeling sad for your coworkers and feeling happy for yourself.  You aren’t hurting anyone by feeling relieved to still have your job.  All it means is that you are human.  Allow yourself to be human and relax!

ONE, TWO, THREE!!

Jen:

It’s almost 10pm…almost time for me to go to bed.  I’m on the phone with Stacy for our nightly chat after the day is done and the kids are long gone to bed…well my kids anyway.
I can hear Stacy’s kids screaming for her in the background.  This has become her nightly routine.  She puts her kids to bed at 8:30pm and they call her for at least 2 hours.  They want her to get them something to drink, something to eat, or watch something on TV.    And she gives in..night after night.  How exhausting!!  I can hear the exhaustion in Stacy’s voice when we get on the phone for our nightly chats.  She is a single mom..superwoman to me!  She needs time to unwind from her day…maybe catch up on work or emails..read a good book or watch a mindless TV show!    As parents our days are long…it varies with each household…in mine it goes something like this…make sure the kids are off to daycare, work, after school activities, homework, dinner, cooking, cleaning, give kids bath, bedtime for the kids, pay some attention to the husband, catch up on Facebook, emails, blog some and then bed.  When I get my kids to bed it’s MY time.  My time to do WHATEVER I want to do.

This particular night I decide to give Stacy my opinion on her situation…like it or lump it.  For goodness sake!!! My best friend is a Therapist!! She knows better!!!  But, before I can share my words of wisdom, I hear her son yelling, One…. Two….Three!   “Is that your son counting at you?”

 

Stacy:

Yes, my son was counting at me…  Okay, I know Jen is right.  I know exactly what I am doing wrong and I know exactly how to fix it.  I have given my children control and I have allowed them create an absolute nightmare of a routine every single night!  What I need to come to terms with is exactly why is it that I allow this to go on when I know its wrong and totally dysfunctional for my kids and for myself.  They aren’t getting enough sleep and I haven’t had an evening to myself in months.  So the night Brandon started counting at me …. and Jen heard it….. is the night this all came to a head. (This was just a few days ago, by the way…)

So this is what happens.  My kids go up to bed.  Then they continually call for me for at least 3 hours asking for anything.  Food, drinks, they have a headache, they want a different blanket, the sky is falling… you name it and I have heard it.  I try the “lets ignore them” routine and they are RELENTLESS!  But when I decided that’s it! Tonight I am just not responding, Brandon started to count.  “MOMMY!  GET UP HERE!  1…2….” 

OMG!  He is counting at me!  He has become the boss here.  He is in charge.  The mere reality that he, at 8 years old, thinks it appropriate and effective to count at his mother!  So what is my problem? I will lay it out for you because perhaps exploring my dysfunction will help you, whoever is reading, to understand what is going on when this happens to you.

I am a single mom.  My ex is …well…. let’s just say he is inconsistant.  He sees the kids only on the weekend, for one night…sometimes… and rarely has them for an entire 24 hour period.  His visits with them vary from week to week depending on what plans he has made for the weekend.  Plans come before the kids because, as he puts it, “I have to move on with my life.”  NO COMMENT!

Anyway… Point being, I am alone.  I am lonely and its hard work.  At first I thought its easier to bring them a cookie than argue about it for an  hour.  Then I thought, well if I bring them what they want then I will have peace and be able to unwind, talk to a friend, whatever!  You see I need that human contact at night.  Whether its chatting on the phone or on the computer, these interactions with other adults are important to me.  My kids get home at 3:45 every day from school.  And from that moment on until the morning it is just me and them.  No one is coming home to me.  No one is having dinner with me, watching a movie with me, helping me with chores, chatting with me or cuddling with me in bed.  I chose this because my Husband was not right for me.  But just because I didn’t want him doesn’t mean that I don’t crave companionship.  The kids are exhausting, demanding and challenging.  By the end of the long afternoon and evening, I get to that defeated place in my psyche where I will just give in to anything if they will just go to bed and leave me to my escape..whatever it may be.

But as I sit here and listen to my daughter crying upstairs because she wants chicken (yes, its 11:30 at night), I realize there is more to all of this.  Their father was mean to them.  He was intolerant, angry, and controlling.  I say this not to pass judgement, but to express the facts as they are.  He would scream at them for just about everything.  He would scream at me for just about everything.  I rejoiced in my freedom the day that man moved out.  I set myself free.  Free to be me.  Free to treat my children the way I chose to treat them without his reign over me.  Then it hit me.  My dilemma here was twofold:

1.  I felt guilty that he had been such a tyrant…that I allowed it.  I was trying to make it up to my children by giving in to all the things he said no to.  Problem is he said no to everything.

2.  I was acting out.  He had me under his thumb for so long that I was acting out against the control by creating an environment with no control at all.  This wasn’t good for anyone.  I am feeling overwhelmed, and the kids have to be feeling this as well.

I need to take the reigns.  But my way.  Rejoicing in the peace and serenity of living without my husband does not mean that there needs to be no order.  The beauty is in the simple fact that the order gets to be decided by me.  I control my life now.  And I must restore order to my children’s lives.  But in a way that is kind, fair, nurturing, and consistant.  What I always wanted for them.  What they always deserved.

 

Jen is right.  I do know better.  Thanks for making me write this, my friend…:)