My Radio Debut…

Stacy:

So… In my efforts to promote my amazing, fantastic, exciting, unbelievable new website www.parentsrpeople.com (yes, people this is what you call shameless promoting), I was asked to be on a morning radio show, The Bill Mcleod show which is geared toward helping single parents, one amazing tip at a time…. www.singledadstown.com  (Now Im promoting for Bill….hahaha). 

Ok, I’m done promoting, now back to my moment of glory…. I was sitting on my bed waiting for the phone to ring so that I would be the guest for Bill’s show.  My mind was racing with thoughts of what to say and what not to say… I try and always go with the truth, but as I glanced at my computer screen before me and watched my ex husband’s kind supportive words popping up on my g-chat, I couldn’t help,but to feel badly that I was just moments away from a public bashing.  I would touch on the emotional abuse and the alcoholism and all of his lovely qualities that led to the demise of my soul and inevitably our marriage.  I had to quickly come up with a way that would tell my story without devestating the man as he tuned in expecting nothing other than an interview promoting my website. 

I found a pretty adequate compromise and was pleased with the results.  I know with promoting this site this will be just the first of  many press/media type adventures for me and I know that this is something that I will have to get used to.  So one thing I need to do is accept the fact that I have a story to share and putting it out there will help people…so I will keep doing that and I hope that this is one of many opportunities that I will have to inspire people.

My Radio Interview:  http://www.wsradio.com/internet-talk-radio.cfm/shows/The-Bill-McLeod-Radio-Show/archives/date/selected/03-23-2009.html

I’ve Retired My High Heals

Jen:

A week ago today I had foot surgery on my left foot.  I’m finally coming out of my pain pill haze and able to put sentences together.   I’m completely flat footed.  I have no arch in my feet whatsoever.   For years my motto has been fashion over comfort!  I would kick my slutty platforms or high heals all over this town in my 20’s….NO MORE.  I’ve finally embraced my flats and have retired my high heals.  Any heal that is in my closet higher than 2 inches are being passed down to my BF Jennifer that wears the same size shoe as me.   Back in November of last year I began having knee pain.  I went to an orthopedic specialist….they took x-rays and I had an MRI done on my knee…nothing wrong.  A few weeks ago the pain starting shooting down to my left ankle and foot.   I began wanting to stand kind of sideways b/c that is what felt comfortable to me. I can’t ignore what is going on with my foot anymore.   I knew that my big toe on my left foot was not straight anymore….I knew that b/c my left big toe was not straight anymore it caused the bone on top of my foot to protrude….I knew that it was my left foot all along…I knew it….I just kept going…thinking it would go away.   So, 2 weeks ago I finally went to the Podiatrist.  He told me that I needed surgery ASAP.  He would have to break my big toe…re-set it….screw 3 pins in it to make it straight and shave the bone on top of my big toe down.  Then he told me after this was all over with I would need to get inserts specially made to wear in my shoes to give me an arch.   I’m on crutches right now.  I can’t put any pressure on my foot for at least another week.  Then I’ll be in a “boot”  for 6 weeks after that.   The pain has been pretty unbearable.   The next day after the surgery was hell.  I don’t enjoy taking pain pills…but, I’ve been popping them like candy over this past week.   I can admit without a dobut that I’m a control freak and right now I have no control over my life.   I can’t drive, take my kids to daycare, pick them up, sweep the floor, do the dishes, give the kids a bath, clean the table, do the laundry, clean my house,  cook dinner, or go to the grocery store.  Almost sounds like being on vacation.  But, not for this control freak.  My husband is running the show….doing his normal duties and mine.  I don’t like it….I hate feeling helpless.  His defintion and my defintion of clean mean totally different things.  I’m supposed to sit on my ass, keep my foot evleated and have a bag of ice on top of it as often as I can.   Thank goodeness I work from home b/c I could not even imagine trying to get ready and hobble into the office.  This morning I was going to the bathroon and I slipped on the bathroom floor.  I fell straight down and landed on my foot.  All I could do was cry and oddly enough laugh.  It’s been a long exhausting week.  I know I will get through all of this…. But, what is a control freak like me supposed to do right now?

 

Stacy:

Jen….STOP BEING A CONTROL FREAK!  Why not go back to that glorious statement you made… that momentary thought you had…”Sounds like being on vacation.”  That’s right.. you are on vacation.  Let your husband do these chores and let him do them HIS WAY!  Nothing will happen if he bathes the kids, cleans the house, cooks dinner, and straightens up the house Brian style.  Actually… something amazing may come of this.  Besides the fact that your foot will be fixed and you will no longer be in pain, perhaps your husband will have a new perspective and appreciation for who you are and what you do everyday.  And perhaps he will learn a few things that may make him more involved in these things from now on….maybe he will even start picking those damn pants up off the floor every once in a while.  Remember that everything doesn’t have to be perfect, that there is no such thing as perfect and that it will all be ok…. 🙂

The Pants On The Kitchen Floor

Jen:

Daylight savings time has got my kids internal clock all sorts of screwed up.  My kids don’t want to go to bed when it’s still light outside & argue with me for what feels like hours. (really it’s only about 30 minutes of torture) Which causes them to want to sleep past 7:30am.  My kids are a mess if they don’t sleep 11-12 hours a night.   I get up and start my day at 6:30am.  I get ready before they get up and usually start their breakfast.  I typically wake them up at 7am.   We are out the door for daycare by 8am and I’m starting my work day by 8:30am.  But, for the past 2 days I swear waking them up is like plucking my eye brows–NO FUN.  They cry, complain, whine, bitch and moan.  I have to drag them out of bed kicking and screaming.  They rub their little eyes and scream all the way to the bathroom to brush those pearly whites.     I have to admit the screaming and whining makes me sweat.  I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart races.  

So today, we were running late again this morning.   After I get them up and moving I come downstairs to start breakfast.  It took me so long getting them up that I did not start it before I woke them up today.  I walked downstairs while their dad helped them get dressed.  My heart was still racing and I was still sweating after all the screaming…. I walked into the kitchen and tripped.   My hands came down to break my fall on the tile floor.  What did I trip over???  My husband’s pants that he wore yesterday.   I lost it…I flipped my lid.  My husband comes home at night through the garage door…..comes into the kitchen and takes his clothes off in the kitchen…leaves them right on the floor….even when the laundry room is right next to the damn kitchen.   This has been a constant argument between us.   I know he works a demanding, physical labor job (he is a horse farrier) But, come on!  Walk your clothes to the laundry room.    But, here is what I can’t figure out….if I did not have a stressful morning with the kids…. would I have still flipped my lid after I tripped over his pants on the kitchen floor?  And can you teach an old dog new tricks?

 

Stacy:

Jen, he is who he is.  You have spelled it out for him for years and he is never going to put those damn pants in the laundry basket.  Marriage is about compromise, yes, but it must also be about acceptance if it is to work.  Sometimes we need to just love and accept our partner for who they are.  None of us want to lose our identity in a relationship so we have to have some freedom to just be who we are.  And if he is the man that drops his pants in the kitchen then just let him be that man. There are things about you that he may not cherish…but he allows it because you are you and need the freedom to be just that.  My marriage didnt last for several reasons…but the number one reason was because I lost myself in that relationship.  His demands swallowed my identity.  So my advice on the topic is we need to allow each other to just be who we are…so we need to choose our battles on what we compromise about.

As for the other question, if you hadn’t had a stressful morning you still would have been pissed off.  I’ve been hearing about the pants for years…it makes you mental to begin with so I would imagine tripping over them would make you explode on any day…LOL! 

Sorry you had a bad day…:(

The Bully

Jen:

For the past 2 months every week my daughter has been pushed by the same little boy on the playground at her daycare.   It’s frustrating as a parent to listen to your child tell you they get  pushed around and feel so helpless.  My daughter is just 4 years old!  Do bullies start to form their bad habits this early on?  The first couple of weeks that it started happening…. my advise to Emma was not to  push or hit back and just tell the teacher.  And that is exactly what Emma did for 3 weeks straight.  She would get pushed clear across the playground, sometimes making her cry…she would get up, tell the teacher…and the little pusher would get put in time out.  By week 4 my patience with this situation was wearing thin.    Is my daughter the only one who is getting pushed by this little boy?  Why does he push her?  Does she say something that is mean and provokes the little boy in some way? Or am I totally over analyzing this situation???  Is this normal behavior for 4 and 5 year old’s? 

I decided on week 4 to talk to the teacher.  Apparently, my little girl is not the only one that gets pushed.  The teacher assures me the situation is being handled and the little boy’s mother is aware.  Now we head into week 5….she is pushed again, takes it…. does the right thing and tells the teacher….week 6…same thing…gets pushed, takes it again and tells the teacher…Now,  I decided to go talk to the Director and Assistant Director.   I’m assured that this situation is again being handled.  They are working with his mother….Great to hear…working with his mother…fantastic…I love the daycare my kids go to and trust in the Director and Assistant Director…but, still all of this does not sit right with me when we go into week 7 and again she is pushed!  She tells me as soon as I pick her up.  This time, instead of telling her that you are doing the right thing by not hitting back and telling the teacher b/c you should not put your hands on another kid…you don’t like it when you get pushed…For some reason this time I tell her that the next time that little boy pushes you to kick him as hard as you can and stand up to him.  Don’t we want our kids to stand up for themselves?  Not to let someone else push them around???  Week 8…I go pick my daughter up and her teacher comes up to me as soon as she sees me walk through the door.  Emma got pushed today by a totally different boy this time!! And she kicked this little boy as hard as she could…sent the little boy crying to the teacher.  The teacher goes on to tell me that they have a no hitting/pushing policy…PERIOD.   The little boy that pushed her went to sit in time out….they went to go talk to Emma and put her in time out…But, Emma tells the teacher, “My mommy told me that if I get pushed I should kick them and it’s OK.”  They did not put Emma in time out and asked me if that was true.  Ummmm….yes…yes it is….OMG!!!  What have I done???

 

Stacy:

Oh jen!  I love you so…but don’t go telling your 4 year old to kick other children!  (I say that with love and hugs of course.  None of us are perfect…I mean I give my daughter chicken at 11:00 at night so I don’t have to hear her scream…haha) 

So, here is my advice.  You want to start to teach your daughter to cope withthis the way you would want her to as an adult.  The best way to deal with a bully at any age is by doing the follwing three things:

1. See the bully for what they are.  It’s tough to comprehend at her age but try and help her understand it on her level.  You want her to grow to be emotionally unaffected buy these people.  So at any age, if treated badly by another individual she will think to herself…”hmmmm I wonder what their problem is.”  You never want her to feel if someone treats her badly that there is something wrong with her.  I hear your story and I think, “wow.. that poor little boy…something must be wrong.”  And you were feeling personally attacked and immediately assumed Emma was being singled out and pondered what SHE was doing wrong.  You want Emma to be able to see the dysfunction of others as their problem..not hers.  To feel sorry for them and not to take their actions personally so that these types of conflicts roll off her back and she remains strong, confident, and unaffected.  You can try and help her to understand that this child must have a problem…and its not about her!
2. You want to encourage her to seek help since it is physical and she could get hurt.  Telling on the kid and trying to avoid him are the right things to do.  Telling him not to push and that she will get help from the teachers is appropriate. Encourage her to see that he will paying consequences since he is the one acting out against the rules. 
3. If you see that the issue continues you do have the right to complain to the daycare about this.  These things do happen from time to time, however, if the issue persists and can’t be controlled the daycare should remove that little boy as he would be inappropriate for their setting if he continues to be physical with other kids.

Don’t worry!  What you have done can easily be undone.  It is okay to tell Emma that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have told her to do that!  Two wrongs don’t make a right and won’t stop the little boy from doing what he does.  All that happens is the conflict gets worse and Emma learns to use violence and anger to resolve a situation instead of relying on her assertiveness and self esteem to remove the issue from her life. 

However, I do understand your desire to kick the little boys but for bullying your daughter.  Just try and remember the bully is usually a victim of something and they are acting out.  They are not there to make other children miserable..they are just trying to feel better because something is very wrong in their world.  But since I’m the empathic one and you tend to wanna kick ass, I wonder how you will feel about my response?  LOL

When Life Throws You Snowballs…..

Stacy:

So…. I have been legally separated for over a year now.  My husband is..well let’s just say he is inconsistant with the child support.  Okay, I’m being kind.  There is no child support.  In the last 12 months he has given me support 4 times..all of which were a fraction of what he is supposed to give me.  I ask him for money every month.  Something!  Anything!  I am working 2 jobs and and I don’t want to take any more time away from my children… they need their mommy!

So for months I have been hearing the same thing from family and friends. 

“So..Stacy, when are you going to court?”

“Take him to court, Stacy…”

I know they were all right and my children deserve to have a stable home where the electric company isn’t ringing the doorbell to turn off the power every other month.  And I know if he gave me even half of what he is “supposed to” give me that would make all the difference in the world.  Yet still my heart…and my brain…and the butterflies in my tummy tell me otherwise.

“Don’t do it”, I would tell myself.

“Nothing good will come of this”…

But what was I afraid of?  Was it him?  His retaliation?  The fact that he would be mad? That he would become even more inconsistant with the kids? 

Or was it Karma?  I think that was it.  I think I believe going after him to support his own kids makes me a bad person…and yet, on a logical level I know that is ridiculous!  He should support his children.  I am trying to take care of them.  I am there for them everyday. I see them off to school.. I get them off the bus, I take off when they are sick or when their schools are closed(which is like every other freakin day!)

So reluctantly, I did it.  It was the last loss of electricity threat that did it.  I said to myself…”self…you don’t have to live like this!” 

I went to court and I filed the petition for support.  I sat next to this woman’s desk.  And as she read my rights to me, I began to sob.  She handed me a tissue and told me it would be ok.  But would it? 

I sat there and pondered what had become of this relationship.  We got married and had a family together.  We were supposed to be a team.  We fought so many battles together.  And we fought each other.  Now here I was dragging him to court so that he would support his children.   And there was my mistake.  I felt as though I were dragging him to court…and I failed to truly acknowledge that he had put himself in this position.  He created this reality for himself.  He had over a year to do the right thing and didn’t do it.  The consequences are his making.

Now on a logical level I accept that truth.  But on a spiritual level I feel haunted by my decision.  So today is our court date.  There is this crazy snow storm and the courts are closed.  Coinsidence?  Irony?  Or is the Universe telling me something?  I struggle with this.  I feel the need to just be the better person.  But who am I being the better person for?  Him?  My kids?  Are we supposed to work things out?  What is the message here?  Or perhaps there is no message.  Perhaps it’s just snowing and that’s just life.

Whatever is meant to be will be….but I was not meant to go to court today…