The Bully

Jen:

For the past 2 months every week my daughter has been pushed by the same little boy on the playground at her daycare.   It’s frustrating as a parent to listen to your child tell you they get  pushed around and feel so helpless.  My daughter is just 4 years old!  Do bullies start to form their bad habits this early on?  The first couple of weeks that it started happening…. my advise to Emma was not to  push or hit back and just tell the teacher.  And that is exactly what Emma did for 3 weeks straight.  She would get pushed clear across the playground, sometimes making her cry…she would get up, tell the teacher…and the little pusher would get put in time out.  By week 4 my patience with this situation was wearing thin.    Is my daughter the only one who is getting pushed by this little boy?  Why does he push her?  Does she say something that is mean and provokes the little boy in some way? Or am I totally over analyzing this situation???  Is this normal behavior for 4 and 5 year old’s? 

I decided on week 4 to talk to the teacher.  Apparently, my little girl is not the only one that gets pushed.  The teacher assures me the situation is being handled and the little boy’s mother is aware.  Now we head into week 5….she is pushed again, takes it…. does the right thing and tells the teacher….week 6…same thing…gets pushed, takes it again and tells the teacher…Now,  I decided to go talk to the Director and Assistant Director.   I’m assured that this situation is again being handled.  They are working with his mother….Great to hear…working with his mother…fantastic…I love the daycare my kids go to and trust in the Director and Assistant Director…but, still all of this does not sit right with me when we go into week 7 and again she is pushed!  She tells me as soon as I pick her up.  This time, instead of telling her that you are doing the right thing by not hitting back and telling the teacher b/c you should not put your hands on another kid…you don’t like it when you get pushed…For some reason this time I tell her that the next time that little boy pushes you to kick him as hard as you can and stand up to him.  Don’t we want our kids to stand up for themselves?  Not to let someone else push them around???  Week 8…I go pick my daughter up and her teacher comes up to me as soon as she sees me walk through the door.  Emma got pushed today by a totally different boy this time!! And she kicked this little boy as hard as she could…sent the little boy crying to the teacher.  The teacher goes on to tell me that they have a no hitting/pushing policy…PERIOD.   The little boy that pushed her went to sit in time out….they went to go talk to Emma and put her in time out…But, Emma tells the teacher, “My mommy told me that if I get pushed I should kick them and it’s OK.”  They did not put Emma in time out and asked me if that was true.  Ummmm….yes…yes it is….OMG!!!  What have I done???

 

Stacy:

Oh jen!  I love you so…but don’t go telling your 4 year old to kick other children!  (I say that with love and hugs of course.  None of us are perfect…I mean I give my daughter chicken at 11:00 at night so I don’t have to hear her scream…haha) 

So, here is my advice.  You want to start to teach your daughter to cope withthis the way you would want her to as an adult.  The best way to deal with a bully at any age is by doing the follwing three things:

1. See the bully for what they are.  It’s tough to comprehend at her age but try and help her understand it on her level.  You want her to grow to be emotionally unaffected buy these people.  So at any age, if treated badly by another individual she will think to herself…”hmmmm I wonder what their problem is.”  You never want her to feel if someone treats her badly that there is something wrong with her.  I hear your story and I think, “wow.. that poor little boy…something must be wrong.”  And you were feeling personally attacked and immediately assumed Emma was being singled out and pondered what SHE was doing wrong.  You want Emma to be able to see the dysfunction of others as their problem..not hers.  To feel sorry for them and not to take their actions personally so that these types of conflicts roll off her back and she remains strong, confident, and unaffected.  You can try and help her to understand that this child must have a problem…and its not about her!
2. You want to encourage her to seek help since it is physical and she could get hurt.  Telling on the kid and trying to avoid him are the right things to do.  Telling him not to push and that she will get help from the teachers is appropriate. Encourage her to see that he will paying consequences since he is the one acting out against the rules. 
3. If you see that the issue continues you do have the right to complain to the daycare about this.  These things do happen from time to time, however, if the issue persists and can’t be controlled the daycare should remove that little boy as he would be inappropriate for their setting if he continues to be physical with other kids.

Don’t worry!  What you have done can easily be undone.  It is okay to tell Emma that you made a mistake and that you shouldn’t have told her to do that!  Two wrongs don’t make a right and won’t stop the little boy from doing what he does.  All that happens is the conflict gets worse and Emma learns to use violence and anger to resolve a situation instead of relying on her assertiveness and self esteem to remove the issue from her life. 

However, I do understand your desire to kick the little boys but for bullying your daughter.  Just try and remember the bully is usually a victim of something and they are acting out.  They are not there to make other children miserable..they are just trying to feel better because something is very wrong in their world.  But since I’m the empathic one and you tend to wanna kick ass, I wonder how you will feel about my response?  LOL